And then I heard Conrad say, quietly, “Earlier, when I said I never wanted you. I didn’t mean it.”
My breath caught. I didn’t know what to say or if I was even supposed to say anything. All I knew was, this was what I’d been waiting for. This exact moment. Exactly this.
I opened my mouth to speak, and then he said it again. “I didn’t mean it.”
I held my breath, waiting to hear what he’d say next.
All he said was, “Good night, Belly.”
After that, of course I couldn’t sleep. My head was too full of things to think about. What did he mean? That he wanted to be, like, together? Me and him, for real? It was what I’d wanted my whole life, but then there was Jeremiah’s face in the car, open and wanting and needing me. In that moment, I’d wanted and needed him, too, more than I had ever known. Had it always been there? But after tonight, I didn’t even know if he wanted me anymore. Maybe it was too late.
Then there was Conrad.I didn’t mean it. I closed my eyes and heard him say those words again and again. His voice, traveling across the dark, it haunted me and it thrilled me.
So I lay there barely breathing, going over every word. The boys were asleep and every part of me was fully awake and alive. It was like a really amazing dream, and I was afraid to fall asleep because when I woke up, it would be gone.
chapterforty-threeJULY 7
I woke up before Jeremiah’s alarm went off. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, put on the same clothes as the day before.
When I came out, Jeremiah was on the phone and Conrad was folding up his blanket. I waited for him to look at me. If he would just look at me, smile, say something, I would know what to do.
But Conrad didn’t look up. He put the blankets back in the closet and then he put on his sneakers. He undid the laces and pulled them tighter. I kept waiting, but he wouldn’t look at me.
“Hey,” I said.
He finally raised his head. “Hey,” he said. “A friend of mine is coming to get me.”
“Why?” I asked.
“It’s easier this way. He’ll take me back to Cousins soI can get my car, and J can take you home.”
“Oh,” I said. I was so surprised, it took a moment for the disappointment, the utter disbelief, to register.
We stood there, looking at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything. In his eyes, there was no trace of what had happened between us earlier, and I could feel something inside me break.
So that was that. We were finally, finally over.
I looked at him, and I felt so sad, because this thought occurred to me:I will never look at you in the same way ever again. I’ll never be that girl again. The girl who comes running back every time you push her away, the girl who loves you anyway.
I couldn’t even be mad at him, because this was who he was. This was who he’d always been. He’d never lied about that. He gave and then he took away. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, the familiar ache, that lost, regretful feeling only he could give me. I never wanted to feel it again. Never, ever.
Maybe this was why I came, so I could really know. So I could say good-bye.
I looked at him, and I thought,If I was very brave or very honest, I would tell him. I would say it, so he would know it and I would know it, and I could never take it back. But I wasn’t that brave or honest, so all I did was look at him. And I think he knew anyway.
I release you. I evict you from my heart. Because if I don’t do it now, I never will.
I was the one to look away first.
Jeremiah hung up the phone and asked Conrad, “Is Dan on his way to come get you?”
“Yeah. I’m just gonna hang out here and wait for him.”
Jeremiah looked at me then. “What do you want to do?”
“I want to go with you,” I said. I picked up my bag and Taylor’s shoes.
He stood up and took my bag off my shoulder. “Then let’s go.” To Conrad, he said, “See you at home.”
