Happiness and misery weren’t mutually exclusive. For a long time I’d assumed you could only feel one or the other, but now I knew that wasn’t true.
Since telling Mabel the truth, I’d felt better than I ever had. The moment she realised what–andwho–I was, but had still decided to stand by me, something that had long been rattling loose inside me had fallen into place. I felt like myself again. Like the self I had believed for many years was dying, as time wore away more and more of its layers.
Maybe it was as simple as that: we had lost Heaven, I had lost myself. I had found Mabel, I had found myself. What I felt with her was more than happiness. It was like coming back to life after an eternity in which I’d felt half dead. Yet I knew what it would cost me to hold on to this feeling. Who it would cost me.
This would be the hardest thing I’d ever done. Probably the worst, too, although I’d done so many unforgiveable things in my life–in my many lives. I knew I shouldn’t feel this way, but hurting strangers was different from hurting the people you loved the most. Nothing was crueller than betrayal.
Still. It was the only right thing to do. I just had to forget everything I had internalised over the past one hundred and sixty years. I had to throw out every rule, every code of behaviour, every pattern of thought that had been indoctrinated into me. For the first time in forever, I had to listen to my own instincts. To whatIwanted, even if it destroyed everything my community had built. If it destroyedus. The fact was: I was about to change the course of one hundred and seventy-five lives, permanently–including the lives of the two people who were the closest thing I had to a family.
The guilt had been heavy on my shoulders ever since last night, when Mabel and I came up with our plan, and with every step I took towards the building, it weighed me down further still. Even so, I never doubted I’d go through with it. I had to do this. I had rediscovered, finally, how it felt to believe that doing the right thing was worth enduring anything. Or no, I hadn’trediscoveredit: Mabel had brought it back to me. Just the thought of her made me breathe easier.This is worth it, Ithought, opening the door.She’s worth it.I’m worth it–the me I want to be.
Norah had texted to say where they were. I’d asked her to keep an eye on Ashton last night, after Mabel had dozed off on my sofa. She hadn’t asked why, but I assumed Ashton had toldher. When it came to words, he wasn’t good at self-restraint– especially not when he was angry.
Reaching the door of the room where we sometimes held our parties, I paused. One last deep breath, and then I opened it and stepped inside. My eyes dwelt briefly on Norah, sitting at the piano by the window, before they found Ashton on the sofa.
‘You shouldn’t be smoking in here,’ I said, gesturing at the cigarette between his fingers as I shut the door behind me.
He growled, but otherwise did not respond. Instead, he took a pointedly long drag.
‘Come on, people. We know each other too well for all this passive-aggressive bullshit. Talk it out.’ Norah’s gaze lingered on me. Evidently, she’d heard enough to know I’d have to apologise before Ashton would even talk to me. In all these years, I’d never dared to oppose him like that. Mabel was a first for me, in more ways than one. And in one specific way, a last.
I forced myself to nod, coming further into the room. ‘Norah’s right. I’m sorry, Ash. I lost control and took it too far.’
‘That’s one way of putting it.’ Ashton stubbed out his cigarette on the armrest of the sofa. It took all my self-control not to step back as he got up and came towards me. ‘What the hell is going on?’ he asked sharply. ‘Do you have feelings for her or what?’
It was obvious from his tone how ludicrous he found the very idea of it. Of course: in all the years of the League’s existence, nothing like this had ever happened. Relationships between members and outsiders were either inherited from the original owner of the body or served a clearly defined purpose: the spouses of the bodies we inhabited, relationships that benefitted us or helped us network. I had never heard of a soul-jumper falling in love with someone outside of that. Perhaps no one had let it get that far, because we knew nothing could ever come of it.
And yet here I was, unable to deny it. ‘She was the first…moth I’d had in decades,’ I replied evasively. ‘I’m not used to how intense the bond can get when you keep one for that long. I got mixed up.’
Ashton’s brows knitted warily. ‘But you’re not anymore?’
‘No.’ That, at least, I didn’t have to lie about. My mind had never felt clearer than it did in this moment. ‘You’re right. Mabel won’t stop until she’s dragged the truth into the light. She can’t stay.’
Ashton crossed his arms and took another step towards me. A pulse was beating from the core of his chest: too weak to be fresh, but strong enough that I knew how much he must have absorbed recently. As it dawned on me that this was Mabel’s energy, I clenched my fists. When I’d found him with her last night, I was so worried about her it overshadowed everything else. Now a different emotion flooded through me, all the more powerful: rage.
‘And this revelation just came to you, did it?’ he asked, before I could do anything stupid that might give me away. ‘After you rode in to rescue her like a knight in some stupid fucking TV drama?’ His breath was on my face. Smoke and gin, as well as a hint of Mabel’s own unique scent, which had never felt so unfamiliar to me.
I felt sick to my stomach, but I didn’t blink. ‘I wanted to keep her, but I see now it’ll never work.’
He inclined his head and dropped back onto the sofa. ‘So where is she, then? Why didn’t you bring her?’
‘Because I thought we might make it work a different way.’ I sat down in the armchair next to him. I had to wet my lips before I could bring myself to say the next words. The ones that would make or break everything. ‘I want her face. Not for myself, though. I mean… near me.’
Norah let out a gasp of astonishment, but I didn’t dare look in her direction. My whole focus was on Ashton. He stared at me incredulously for about fifteen seconds before he burst out laughing. ‘She’s a bursary kid. Her family’s dead, and they were a bunch of nobodies to begin with. She’s nothing.’
Everything, I thought.She is everything. I gave a deliberately casual shrug. ‘I know, but we’ve always made exceptions. When it’s important. And this is important. To me.’ I rested my elbows on my knees and leant in towards Ashton. ‘She reminded me why I love this life. Why I… love my life with all of you. Give mea little time with the part of her I can have.’ I put a hand on his shoulder, hating myself for it. ‘Please, Ash. Talk to Henry.’
He pulled a face, but I saw the way his eyes softened. Even if Ashton liked to pretend he didn’t care about anything, nobody knew better than me that it wasn’t true. He had come to bring me back after I’d made the decision to leave. He had given me as much leeway as he could, covering for me with the council and his father so that I could take my time finding my way back to them. He had waited for me because he loved me. That’s why I knew the plan would work. And why it was the worst thing Ihad ever done–or would ever do.
‘Even if I could get Henry to agree,’ he replied sceptically, after a pause. ‘Who’d take on that body willingly?’
That was the one problem I didn’t have a good solution for. Before I could come up with something, Norah cleared her throat.
‘I’ll do it.’
Everything inside me froze. It was an effort of will to lift my hand from Ashton’s shoulder so that we could both turn to look at her. She was standing, arms crossed. Her mint-green dress fluttered in the draught from the window, but her eyes were firm and resolute.
‘What?’ Ashton asked slowly.
