‘No,’ I made myself say. ‘Of course not.’
‘Then it’s agreed. We’re disappearing that cunt. I never want to see her again.’ He reached into the breast pocket of his shirt, took out a cigarette and tucked it behind his ear before he turned to go. There was a look of such perverse delight on his face that I preferred not to think about what it said about me that he was one of the people I loved most. Pausing in the middle of the hall, he spread his arms wide and threw back his head, bathing his features in the mingled golden-blue light cast by the lamps inside and out. His next words were spoken with a soft, blissful smile: ‘And before that, I want her to suffer.’
Ashton left, and I stayed. Mired in the familiar sluggish sense of helplessness. I knew it well: the numbing realisation that it didn’t matter what I wanted. Ordidn’twant.
For years I’d been passive, a piece slid around on the board that was my life. I played by the rules, cheating only when I knew it would go unnoticed. I did as I was told, because in some games, there was no way to give up of your own free will. So I had given up on free will instead.
For the first time in many years, I felt something stirring: the urge to fight back. Not on my own behalf–I’d realised long ago that I had lost. But she hadn’t. And I wasn’t going to let her lose a game she never should have got dragged into in the first place. I wasn’t going to let something happen to her just because she’d been unlucky enough to cross paths with us–to cross paths withme.
Chapter24
Mabel
My head was aching as I left my final supervision that afternoon. It had been complete chaos in there for days. I was constantly racing down different alleyways of thought, and every single one felt like a dead end. Davie’s condition remained unchanged. According to his mother he had multiple broken bones as well as a traumatic brain injury, which was why the doctors had put him in an induced coma. As soon as he was stable enough, they would take him off the meds and let him wake up. Whether it would actually work, they couldn’t say. They also weren’t sure if he’d be left with permanent damage, assuming he woke up at all. And if he didn’t come out of the coma, then… I was overwhelmed by a stabbing mix of panic and desperation, as always when my thoughts began to spiral into what ifs.
I knew it was pointless. I couldn’t help Davie like that. The only real help I could give him was trying to figure out who was actually responsible for what happened. The trouble was, I didn’t know where to begin. Normally I’d have talked it over with Davie. But Davie wasn’t in any condition to talk. And the professor who might have given me more information to go on was dead. Zoe was still miles away, although I hadn’t seen her leave our staircase for days. She was constantly skipping class, leaving her seat unoccupied during lectures and seminars. I often found myself staring at the empty chair, at the pattern of light cast through the windows, which reminded me of the deepening shadows on her face. The last time I’d brought myself to ask her what was wrong, her response had been curt. Apparently she’d been to the GP, but he’d found no medical issue and simply advised more sleep and vitamins. Every now and then she asked about Davie, but as far as I knew she hadn’t been to the hospital herself. To me that was decisive proof that there was a lot more going on than a slight vitamin deficiency. Still, I hadn’t seen Ashton come round since the day of the accident, although I worried he might be dropping round when I wasn’t there. It felt as though there was more than just plasterboard and brick between us–there were hundreds more walls Zoe had built up around herself. I couldn’t get through to her anymore, and I didn’t understand why. What he was doing to her to make her withdraw from her friends and isolate herself.
My temples pulsed. I pressed both hands to them as I hurried down the stairs. I couldn’t let myself wallow in the feelings swimming around at the bottom of all those dead ends, especially because I was facing them alone now. If I didn’t try to figure out what was going on, nobody would.
Emerging onto the steps outside, I stopped, took a deep breath, and forced myself to run through my to-do list.
Shed some light on how Davie’s accident happened.
Shed some light on what’s wrong with Zoe.
Shed some light on what else the League of Starlings is up to at Cambridge.
I just wished someone would tell me how you were supposed to shed light on anything when you were completely alone, trapped in a clinging, pitch-black darkness.
My fingers stroked the bulge in my coat pocket. I hated that I still carried the magpie around with me. I hated that it brought me comfort, although I knew now it was nothing but a way of manipulating me.
I’d heard nothing from Blake since that night at the sports ground, but I still caught myself every night, checking to see if he’d messaged. To say it had all been a lie. That he was on my side. That he was helping me.
But no message came, of course. Of course–I was alone.
As I turned a corner, I saw someone sitting on a low wall in one of the archways.
The young man had both legs pulled up, his back leaning against one stone column and his feet resting against the other. He had rolled up the sleeves of his woollen jumper to examine his forearms. Even from this distance, I could see the skin was dry and blotchy-red. Judging by the look on his face, it was as painful as it looked. He was obviously in no mood for company, but I went up to him anyway, for the simple reason that I recognised him—even though I’d never met him before. I knew him from the Instagram profile Cody had shown me.
I’d been wondering for days how and where I might be able to track down Jess Holden. I knew I needed to speak to him. Cody had been unable to tell me where he lived, and it seemed too blatant to lie in wait for him after a lecture. I couldn’t let this opportunity pass me by.
It wasn’t until I’d stopped in front of him that he looked up. ‘You’re Jess, right?’ I asked bluntly.
He cocked his head and surveyed me. I couldn’t quite read the expression that flashed in his greenish-brown eyes, unnaturally bright in his winter-pale face. ‘I’d like to say I’m not, believe me.’ He rolled down his sleeve with a sigh. ‘How can I help you?’
I pulled back my shoulders, summoning all the authority I had. ‘By telling the truth. About the accident you witnessed ten days ago.’
‘I already spoke to the police about that.’
I stifled a contemptuous laugh. The officers had told me the same thing when I tried to explain the truth to them. They thought they’d already got to the bottom of it, because there was only one eyewitness and he had described it as an unfortunate accident. In the end, it didn’t matter who was at fault, Davie or Victor. Neither was available for comment.
‘You lied,’ I replied sharply. ‘You said whattheywanted you to say.’
Jess swung down his legs, which dangled. ‘And who arethey?’ he asked with interest.
‘You know who. You were seen talking to them on the day of the accident.’ I took a deep breath, forcing myself to speakcalmly. ‘Listen. I have no idea what they told you,butiftheythreatened you, you have to report it. They’re not all-powerful– nobody is. If you go to the police, they’ll be able to protect you. They can make sure no one else gets hurt.’
The tip of Jess’s nose wrinkled, but I wasn’t sure if he was annoyed or amused. ‘Who says they threatened me?’
