A pained look crossed his face. He made no answer, just moved his lips soundlessly, shaping one word:go.
So I went. Past Norah, who turned her head as if she couldn’t bear to look at me. Down the corridor and around the corner, until I found the narrow stairs that led directly to the front hall.
I saw no one on the way back to my room. The college was invisible beneath a thin quilt of snow. It crunched under my feet with every step, still drifting down from above. Despite the cold, I was blazing hot. My mind should have been thrumming with questions, but I felt a throbbing only in my mouth and heart, in a way that made me feel like I’d found an answer today, after all–an answer to a question I hadn’t yet dared to ask.
Chapter17
Cliff
Not until Mabel’s footsteps had died away behind me did I let myself breathe and face up to what had just happened. I wished I could think of it in such passive terms, but of course I knew better. None of it had justhappened: I’d wanted it, done it, loved it.
‘I…’ My voice petered out as I heard the noises on the main staircase. Besides, there was no good way to finish that sentence. No logical explanation for how I’d let this happen.
Norah’s lips were tight, and a moment later, Ashton appeared in the hall. ‘What are you two doing up here?’
I shook my head, looking at Norah. For a while now we’d been closer than she was with Ashton, but I knew how hard it was to hide anything from him. Still, she shrugged without hesitation. ‘Nothing. I just told him we were leaving.’
‘Mmm.’ Ashton looked from one of us to the other. He was usually able to sense when there was something going on under the surface, but he couldn’t possibly know what it was we were keeping from him, could he? It was absurd. ‘Your moth’s here,’ he said at last, so abruptly that I almost jumped.
I pulled myself together. ‘Yes, I saw her too. She’s getting a little clingy these days. I sent her away.’
Ashton came closer to me. ‘Vic saw her at the party downstairs with that professor. Coincidence, is it?’
Over his shoulder I saw Norah gesture to her mouth, and reflexively I wiped the back of my hand over my lips. I didn’t have to look to know there was make-up on them.Strongest Temptationwas what I’d just been feeling–Biggest Fearwas what I felt now.
‘What else could it be?’ I said, after a pause a fraction too long.
Ashton came to a halt in front of me, studying me closely. Ever since Zoe had told him about the little research project Mabel and her friend were doing, he’d been even more on edge about her. I had to promise him again that I’d take care of it. If he knew what had just happened, he wouldn’t have hesitated to take matters into his own hands.
My pulse was beating so hard I could feel the very core of my body quivering. Ashton’s eyes wandered to it, then he shook his head. ‘You know what?’ He drew back with a grim smile. ‘Not my problem, not today. I can’t deal with that shit on top of everything else.’
He ran a hand over his face, but the weary look remained. I felt my guard come down a little, transforming into an emotion I rarely felt for Ashton. Only in those moments when I saw cracks in his invulnerable façade. Most of the time it was one particular person who made them appear. Henry’s words were fists, his glances well-aimed kicks, and Ashton was his favourite punching bag.
‘You know he doesn’t mean it like that,’ I said softly.
Ashton snorted. ‘What? That he’s ashamed of me? That I’m a crushing disappointment? Yes he does. And he’s right. Because everybody around here does whatever they want, and because every lapse makes me look bad.’
‘You seemed quite happy to bend the rules yourself the other day,’ I reminded him, although Norah’s expression warned me I was on thin ice.
‘Yeah, well if I did, I wouldn’t let myself get caught,’ he hissed. ‘From now on, we make no more mistakes, got it?’
‘So we’ll leave Paulina alone?’
‘You heard me. We can’t afford to draw any more attention to ourselves right now. We’ll keep an eye on her, but as long as she doesn’t go blabbing…’ He shrugged.
I nodded slowly. It was exactly the answer I’d been hoping for, although I wondered why Henry had gone to the effort of coming all this way. Well. The reason was probably standing right in front of me, tense and rigid, as if in pain. He’d never admit it, but I could tell that Henry’s dressing down had got to him. He was suffering. And no matter how angry I’d been with Ashton lately, I hated to see it.
‘He doesn’t mean it, Ash,’ I repeated, more gently.
Ashton briefly closed his eyes, then he forced a grin. ‘Doesn’t matter. I feel like getting hammered. Let’s go down the pub, or a club, maybe.’
I relaxed. It was selfish, but when Ashton was in this mood I preferred the thought of him in a crowd than near one person in particular. ‘Sure. You round up the others and we’ll meet you outside.’
As soon as his footsteps had receded down the stairs, I turned to Norah. She hadn’t moved a muscle throughout the whole conversation, her gaze burning into mine. I didn’t bother to start explaining. I knew her well enough to be sure she’d always share her loudest thoughts with me. And this one was shrieking so deafeningly that I could hear it even before she opened her mouth.
‘Just clarify for me: which of you is the moth and which is the light?’
I rolled my eyes and went over to the window, knowing my face couldn’t keep up the lie much longer. ‘I just got carried away for a minute. It happens, you know that.’
