“I know that, Toma. Doyou?”
Maybe I don’t believe she should have forgiven me for being awful to her. I tell Gisele as much and we go back and forth on the topic.
After Split, I was on a hospital bed for three days, then transferred to the Ventura mansion where Lucie took care of me while on break. She did so much for me. Some days–like today—I don’t feel like I deserve her kindness and her love.
Gisele has taught me that it’s often not my own voice but the voices of my father and brother. I’m learning to hear it and ignore it. Every time I come here, the dead have a little less influence on me.
My therapist asks about how sleeping in the same bed again has gone. Even when I was healthy enough to stand and travel back to Edinburgh for her second semester, we still didn’t share a bed until the beginning of this month. I slept on a mattress Lucie insisted on getting me since I refused to let her sleep anywhere but in her own bed. One we just wheeled underneath her bed every morning, like it wasn’t embarrassing.
I drop my gaze down to my hands, holding onto the keychain Lucie made for me. It’s an ugly flower made of clay. I think it’s supposed to look like a sunflower but I can’t be sure. It’s the most precious item I own. “I still sleep on the mattress sometimes. Last night, her legs touched mine in bed and I… I felt safer on the mattress on the floor.” I groan and hide my face in my hands. “How am I supposed to be have sex with the love of my life if I can’t bear her touch?”
“Toma, your vulnerability has been used against you. It’s okay not to feel ready in just three months.”
“I want to, though. God, I want to fuck her, pardon my language. She’s just so sweet and sexy and lush. Fuck! And I love her so much. I just want… I’m not going to tell you what I want, doc.”
She chuckles and gives me an indulgent smile. “I promise you I’ve heard it all.”
“I don’t doubt it.”
“How about steps?” She asks, those cunning blue eyes I’ve come to know and trust shining with what I recognise is a new plan she wants me to try out.
I want it all, or nothing. My obsessive personality makes it hard to take things in steps. So my challenge of the week is to tick off a small sex task from the list of things I want to do to—and with—Lucie. Literally. Should be easy enough. All I want is to worship the woman who saved me from a life of pain and sorrow.
****
Lucie’s already home when I get back from the airport, the smell of garlic potent in the whole flat.
“What are you making,ružica moja?” I ask as I slide my hands around her waist while she chops more garlic to add to what looks like six cloves already diced in the pan.
“Pasta aglio e olio.”
“So garlic, more garlic, and olive oil?”
“And a tad of full-fat cream.”
While her hands are busy preparing our meal, I drop my nose down to her neck and inhale deeply, filling my lungs with her, and caressing her body softly. It’s easier when her hands are busy and I’m free to explore at my own pace.
Lucie sighs and leans against my chest. “How was today?”
“Tough,” I answer honestly.
She hums but doesn’t prod. Her patience takes my breath away.
“Volim te, ružica moja,”I breathe against the delicate skin of her neck. I feel her smile against my cheek.
“What does that mean?”
“I love you. I love you so much sometimes it’s the only thing that help me breathe.”
Slowly, giving me time to stop her, she turns in my arms. I nod and she threads her arms around my neck. She lifts on the tips of her toes and drags her lips against mine. Thankfully, kissing is never a problem. “I love you, too,piccolo.Ti amo tanto che non voglio mai separarmi da te.I love you so much I never want to be parted from you.”
“Good thing we can track each other.”
She laughs, the sound light and bright, then caresses my forearm scar with her index finger, where a tracker lies underneath. She chose a subtle micro dermal piercing for herself, right under her collarbone. The metal catches the light and I drop my lips onto it in a reverent touch of my lips.
“Food will be ready in twenty minutes,” Lucie says then makes a move to detangle herself from me, but I lock my arms to keep her in place.
“Enough time for what I have in mind.”
