I shake my head again with a sniff, my teeth chewing at the inside of my cheek as the corner of the page between my fingers threatens to tear.
“I’ve made mistakes,” I tell him. “I’ve really screwed things up, and I’ve done wrong, I know that. I’m not saying that I’m not guilty, because I am. But why, if He’s really up there, would God let people continuallyalmostreach their goals? Or give them the most important things, only to take them away?”
The man’s forearms cross over the back of the pew, his head tilting just slightly as he offers another tight smile.
“We don’t always get to know why He does the things that He does. It’s not our place to know,” he tells me. Extending a hand, he takes mine, offering a firm and supportive squeeze. “You have my condolences for the losses you’ve suffered.”
Another loud crack of thunder sounds outside as I pull myself from his grip, gnawing at the inside of my cheek. My eyes drift to the opposite end of the nave, where the confessional rests.
“I cheated on my husband. I don’t know why I did it, I just…” Taking the tissue that he hands to me, I press it to my nose. “He’s the air in my lungs and now he’s gone.”
He’s quiet for a long while, only offering a second tissue when I’ve used and crumpled the first. When his hand takes mine again, his grip is gentle.
“I don’t think you’re looking for prayer or absolution so I won’t offer those,” he muses. “I will tell you that, in my opinion, any truly repentant soul can be forgiven – both by God, if they wish, and by those they’ve hurt in their sin.”
But what if I can’t?
What if it doesn’t matter how sorry I am or how much I wish I’d never done anything to hurt him?
What if he never comes home and I never see his face again?
What then?
Chapter 18
TRIPP
Pressing a pair of pillows over my ears doesn’t do much to drown out the sound of Drumstick digging through his litter box at the foot of the bed. Right now, I wish we were at the house, if not for any reason other than the thing being kept in a quiet closet away from where I slept.
Whereweslept.
Fuck.
A knock sounds at the door before my brother lets himself into the room, dodging an excited Drumstick with a look of disgust on his face.
“Say hi to the cat,” I groan, turning over under the bedding.
“That is not a cat.” Stepping closer to the bed, he rests a steaming mug of coffee onto the nightstand and gives the mattress a nudge with his knee. “Are you planning on getting out of bed today? I’m sure Ham would like to see you.”
When I don’t respond to him, he crosses the room, stopping in front of me and crouching low at the side of the bed. He pulls his glasses from his face and rests them in his hand on the mattress.
“You haven’t left this bed in three days, you’ve hardly eaten, and youstink, little brother,” he tells me. “I will give you one more day to forgo basic hygiene if you truly need to, but beyond that, I willforceyou to take care of yourself, are we clear?”
“Crystal,” I grumble.
Putting his glasses back into place, he brings himself to a standing position, offering a pat to my shoulder.
“I transferred some money into your account. Order yourself something that sounds good.”
I offer him a nod, knowing that I won’t be ordering anything. It isn’t that I’m not hungry; I’m fucking starving, but if I think about food, I think about all of the meals I’ve shared with Julia over the past sixteen years, then about our wedding and the small cake that we shared with each other afterward.
And then I think about my best man on top of her.
Tossing the pillow off of my head with a groan, I roll over and out of the bed, because I know my brother, I know he’s serious, and I know that he’s not above taking me out to the backyard with a hose and fucking power-spraying me with the thing.
He’s my big brother, but Brody’s been more of a dad to me than the real thing for practically my entire life. Even when he was in school and getting ready for the Bar. Even when he was laid up after surgeries and cancer treatments. He’d still have me bring my homework to him so he could go over it with me.
He’s the one who taught me how to drive, how to shave, how to file my taxes; how to do just about everything I needed to know in order to be a functional member of society.
