I eye the clock and see that I still have a little bit of time before I need to start dinner, and an idea starts to take form.
“Hey, Tanner,” I call out.
“Yeah?”
“Would you mind watching your sister for a little bit while I take a quick shower before dinner, please?” I ask.
“Can we watch TV?” he asks.
“Sure.”
“Sit next to me, Tanner,” Emily says as she crawls onto the couch.
Like the good brother he is, he does as she asks. Grabbing the remote, I log into Bertha’s account for a streaming service. For a moment, guilt hits me right in the stomach.
I shouldn’t be using her accounts. It’s not right. In fact, it goes against their bylaws.
Soon. Soon enough, I’ll be able to afford my own account, and I won’t have to rely on hers.
“You okay, Mommy?” Emily asks.
I look over at my daughter and see her head is tilted to the side as she studies me.
“I’m fine, baby. Now, be a good girl and listen to your brother, okay? I’m going to take a shower, and when I get out, I’ll make you some noodles. How does that sound?”
“Noodles!” she cheers, throwing her hands in the air.
Tanner groans. “Again? We just had noodles.”
“I know we did, love. I’m sorry,” I tell him, feeling like a piece of shit.
I want to offer them more, but noodles are cheap and easy to make. Right now, we need to try to save as much money as possible in case we need to run again. Besides, I need to pay rent soon. We have been here almost a month.
“It’s fine,” he mutters, his eyes going back to the TV.
I force one foot in front of the other and head into my bedroom. Quickly, I grab a change of clothes and head into the bathroom. The water warms up, and I strip, and as soon as I step under the spray, the tears begin to fall.
Every parenting insecurity that Evan accused me of comes back to me full force.
I’m a horrible mother.
I can’t provide for them.
They don’t love me.
I’m a failure.
I can’t give them everything they deserve.
For a moment, one small moment, I wonder if they would be better off without me. As quickly as the thought hits me, I push it away.
No, if I weren’t here to take care of my babies, they would be put into the system. Or even worse, they would be sent to live with him. His words were a way to manipulate me into staying, but they weren’t the truth.
Just the thought of him having control over my babies makes my stomach roll.
I can’t think about it. If I do, I’ll spiral even more.
Pushing all the bad thoughts away, I take a quick shower that reminds me of what I had to do when the kids were babies. I remember when I used to have to bring them into the bathroom with me. I would peek out at them every five seconds to make sure they were fine.
