Liz had told Jake that Brady was usually the one who could smooth out Tanner if he was stewing, and if not him, then it was Brett.
Jake guessed that Brady didn’t know what to do or say this time, his own messed up feelings about their father coming into play. How did you defend a man you were angry with for lying to you your whole life? How do you reconcile the confusion when you’re already confused? Jake had been there so many times he couldn’t count. His brothers hadn’t, until recently.
Jake stood up, dusted off his jeans, and stepped over to Brady, who was checking the saddle cinch.
“I got this. Why don’t you ride back to the ranch, I’ll get Sloppy over there into your truck and get him home, at some point,” he said quietly.
“You sure? You two aren’t exactly buddies,” Brady said, leaning on the horse. Chip nudged at Jake’s arm, and Jake ran his hand over the horse’s forehead. Tanner hiccupped behind him, and Chip’s ears went forward, toward the sound, and he stretched his neck until he was touching Tanner’s shoulder. He lipped at Tanner’s shirt and nickered. Tanner reached up and ran his hand lazily down Chip’s muzzle. It was good enough for the horse, who then straightened back up and looked at both of them expectantly,as if to sayAren’t you going to help him?
“He’s fine,” Jake murmured, and tweaked the horse’s ear. Brady chuckled at that and grabbed the horn of the saddle.
“And here you are talkin’ to horses like you’ve been country this whole time,” he joked, then hooked his foot into the stirrup and lunged up and over into the saddle. He met Jake’s eyes and frowned as he gathered up the reins.
“Thanks. I don’t know what to do to make this better.”
“You can’t,” Jake supplied, and shrugged. “He has to do the heavy lifting.”
Brady looked over at his brother, who was now watching them both, blinking like an owl. “Look. Tan, you’re drunk as a skunk. You gotta go home, you can’t stay here. New York can drive my truck. I’ll get Chip back to the stable and tell Liz that we found you.”
Tanner waved him off, and Brady turned Chip and with one more nod to Jake, kicked the horse into a jog back down through the headstones.
“I can’t do it anymore,” Tanner blurted as soon as Brady was gone. Jake sank back down beside him, propping his arms on his bent knees and relaxing into as comfortable a position as he could get leaning on cold stone. They could be here a while, and if Tanner was opening up to him, he’d sit here all damned day if he had to.
“Do what?” he probed carefully.
“Keep all this shit together,” Tanner stated, and waved his hand in the direction of the ranch, the defeat plain on his face.
“Why do you think you have to?” Jake asked bluntly. “You have Brady, Liz, and me. Peony. Heck, the crew too.”
“I know that,” he replied, “It’s not about— More like I’m pissin’ off the one man who isn’t here to piss off anymore, and bein’ pissed off at him at the same time. Don’t wanna go back on what he needed from me, but angry at him for doin’ the same.”
“And you don’t want to be mad anymore,” Jake added.
Tanner nodded. “It’s fuckin’ with my head.”
“Ah.” Jake didn’t understand exactly what that would feel like, but he got the point. The expectations that took root in the child of a parent who had molded his children to take over for him. Those were not easy boots to fill when said parent had secrets that threw it all into the rough.
“You know, I think it’s eating you alive that you can’t tell him off for what he did to us, and tell him to make it right,” Jake said, hoping it wasn’t too forward of him to suggest.
Tanner looked at Jake like he was certifiable, then bowed his head and let out a sigh that came from somewhere deep. He shifted a bit and picked at his fingernails.
“Maybe.”
The silence enveloped them once more, and a few birds in some nearby trees started chirping. It was restful, if not for the cloud of doubt and sadness covering both of them as they wrestled with what Jake had just said. Jake wished he could talk to his father.
Just once.
To ask him what in the hell he had been thinking and to hear what his voice sounded like. Did Jake sound as much like Brett as everyone said he did?
He would never truly know.
Darker clouds were moving in from the west and north, and Jake wondered if that meant rain. Not able to read the skies like everyone else could out here, he scanned the horizon.
“Rain coming?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Tanner mumbled, pointing the way Jake had been looking. “Likely some, over there.”
“All right then, up you get,” Jake said, rising to his feet. It was time to get going, even if he needed to be patient. This was better handled at home with some strong coffee in a nice, dry kitchen. He held out a hand to Tanner, hoping he would take it and follow Jake’s lead.
