“Well, it will have to be, we’ve got jobs to do.” She interrupted him, turning her head away from him to grope for the condoms on the bedspread beside them.
Damn it. Jake wanted her to tell him what was going through her head and admit that what they were doing together was more than just a casual fling, because it was preferable to her bottling up in front of him and making it impersonal.
He was going to rock the boat.
“I want to make love to you,” he said quietly, turning her head so she had to look at him.
She let out an exasperated breath, flitting a glance at him and then tilting her head away from his hand. “Whatever. Slow, fast. Just—”
He was raised above her, his heart beating a mile a minute in his chest, looking down at her. She had stiffened the moment he saidmake love, and it took the wind out of his sails. He sat up and moved over to the side of the bed.
“Jake,” she said, then stopped. “Come on, it’s—”
“S’okay,” he muttered, frustration slamming into his chest, utterly confusing him. He’d pushed, he’d wanted her to open up, and when she didn’t, it reminded him of what they’d agreed to. He was only here for a short time, neither of them looking for anything serious, right? No connections. No romance. Definitely no “making love.”
Complications were not something either of them should do, with all the other shit going on in their lives.
But there it was. Complication.
Looking down at her, he’d wanted this to mean something more than just getting their mutual rocks off. He wanted her to feel the same pull he felt every time he looked at her, to absorb her, never let her out of his sight. When she had looked away, he realized she likely didn’t feel anything close to what his heart was careening toward. He couldn’t ask that of her—she’d made that clear—and he just had.
“I need to get moving,” he said quietly. “It’s late, I think.”
He didn’t look back at her as she let out a frustrated sigh and then shifted to reach for her phone on the side table.
“It’s six a.m., Jake. Sunrise. It isn’t late.”
He stooped to grab his jeans, and her hand touched his back. He stilled, the heat from her palm sinking into his skin. He almost turned and took her in his arms, wanting that heat to spread through both of them, to make it right.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “What is it that you want?”
“Obviously not the same thing as you anymore. I—” His voice was gravelly.
“What does that even mean?” she asked. “Jake—”
“I think I just need to go. I can’t be here right now.” He stood, stepped into his jeans, and then threw on his sweater as he scanned the room for his socks. He swiped them from under the bed as she sat up, her hair everywhere, a sad, hurt look on her face, her hands braced behind her, throwing her chest up and out.
It was all he could do not to crawl back onto the bed and bury himself in her, tell her that this was more for him, laying her out and dragging the connection he knew she felt out of her by sheer sexual force. The idea of slowly rocking in and out of her was making him ache, to tell her anything he could to make her see, to feel the way his heart was hammering in his chest because of how much he wanted her. Not sex.Her.
But he didn’t.
If he did, he knew he would fall over the fucking cliff and she would be the one who pushed him.
* * *
The barn office was empty except for the grumpy ginger tabby that haunted the front area of the barns, and Jake frowned. He needed to talk to Tanner; the morning meal prep was done and now he had to go through payroll with him, but he couldn’t find him in all the usual places. Tanner’s truck was still parked at the house, so he wasn’t out inspecting any of the pastured cattle, and Jake counted all three tractors still in their parking spots, so Tanner wasn’t out on one of them either.
Jake decided to check the main area of the cattle barn, catching the metallic bang of tools coming from that direction, hoping Tanner would be there. He followed the aisleway around the corner, the pitted, cracked cement wet from the humidity in the air today, and stuck his head through the door. The big space was empty save for Rowan and Kevin, who were stringing out a faded red hose along the concrete, country music blaring from a dusty old radio in the corner, big push brooms leaning against a wall beside a stack of metal pen panels. Kevin saw Jake and waved.
“You seen Tanner?” Jake asked as he reached them. “I need to go over some accounting, but he’s vanished.”
“Haven’t seen ’im since this mornin’ when we went over the schedule,” Kevin said, and stopped feeding hose out from the roller. “Come to think it, he said he was headed to town, maybe?”
“His truck’s still here,” Jake replied. “I’ll check with Brady. Thanks, Kevin.”
Kevin nodded curtly, and he and Rowan went back to it. Jake had no idea what they were doing, but then, what did he know about cattle, really? All he knew about the cattle barn was that was where the calving happened in spring and the weaning tagging happened in early fall.
He should offer to help at some point and get an idea of what a day of work was really like here. He saw how tired everyone was every evening. Sometimes guilt snuck in, and he wondered if they thought he really was a pampered city slicker, only spending time in the kitchen and the office.
