Oh. Why did she feel like someone hit her in the chest? Compassion, hope, and a trace of vulnerability played on his face. Why couldn't she tell him exactly what he wanted to hear? She wanted to. She really wanted to. But . . .
"I trust you, Knox. I do. But that doesn't make this guilt go away. I believe that you believe things haven't changed. But that doesn't make it true. My poor judgement caused an altercation that forced me to kill a man."
He stroked his thumb across her hand. "Allie, we've been over this. I'm glad a life—any person's life—is precious to you. But you can't keep blaming yourself for what he made you do. If you hadn't shot him, you'd be dead."
"I know. But it's still something I have to live with." She sighed and shook her head. "It's not only that, though. At some point, you're going to realize I nearly got you killed that night. I also nearly got you fired."
He started to protest, but she held up a let-me-finish-talking hand. "I know Jason got things smoothed over. I don't know why he did. But I know Eric was livid at me. He made that clear while I was in the hospital."
"Eric isn't the WhiteRock director anymore."
"Doesn't matter. He was then. He could've fired you back then. And he would have fired us both if Jason hadn't intervened."
He pursed his lips. Breathed through his nose. Yeah, he knew about that. She thought he knew. He'd just been too nice to bring it up. "I know you want to believe the past doesn't matter and just move on. But I'm afraid that's only kicking the can down theroad. Eventually, it's going to bother you. You're going to wonder if you can trust me."
She slipped her hand out of his. "Let me work on proving myself, okay? Give me time to prove myself."
He put both hands on the steering wheel, but he looked like he wanted to punch it. He glared at her. "Why don't you believe me? You don't have to prove anything. That doesn't make sense." He was yelling now. "What do I have to do to make you understand? That night wasn't your fault!"
He leaned back, closed his eyes, and drew in a long breath.
She'd hurt him. Angered him, yes, but that anger stemmed from the hurt she'd inflicted. And that was the last thing she'd wanted to do. A new kind of sorrow burned inside her. She didn't know what to do with the hurricane of emotions in her chest.
He propped his left elbow on his door and covered his face with his hand. A few beats later, his eyes met hers. And she saw more of the pain she'd caused.
"Knox, I . . . I don't know what else to say." Wow, wasn't that the truth. The emotional squirrels running circles in her brain were more confusing than anything else. Guilt was there, yes, but did she feel more guilt about that tragic night or about how she was hurting Knox today?
Her head throbbed.
"I don't know what to say either." His voice was clipped. He shifted into reverse with more force than necessary. "We need to get to Henrik's."
She nodded. And faced her window for the entire silent drive to Henrik's. So he wouldn't see her tears.
Knox parked between Island Coffee and Pelican Rentals. He hadn't looked at Allie since The Mandeville parking lot. Why couldn't she let it go? Of course it was good that she wasn't flippant about what happened. A man lost his life. An investigation was derailed. She was shot. But wasn't this extreme—wallowing in the guilt—the wrong reaction? It was definitely driving him out of his mind.
Frustration clawed at his insides. After the conversation with Henrik, he needed to go for a run.
He locked the SUV and they walked up the sidewalk toward the front of Pelican Rentals. Even the ocean view across the street and the aroma from Island Coffee wafting on the sea breeze weren't altering his mood. Yeah, he really needed to go for a run.
He held open the door for her and followed her inside. He was thankful they'd have to keep their conversation professional for the next few minutes. That he could do. He could compartmentalize.
"Oh, you're back." Henrik looked around the empty shop as if the scuba gear might be listening. "Is everything okay? Was the footage helpful?"
Knox nodded. "Yes, Henrik. But—"
The front door opened. A customer wearing a familiar gold chain walked in.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Allie pivot toward a kayak on display, studying it intently, head down.Good job, he didn't see your face.
Knox wasn't so lucky. Gold Chain walked up to Henrik and glanced at Knox.
Henrik smiled at Gold Chain. "I'll be with you in a minute, sir."
"Actually . . . " Knox took a step back, toward Allie. "I don't think my wife has decided which kayak she wants." He looked at Gold Chain. "You go ahead. We're still looking around."
Gold Chain nodded, uninterested in Allie and Knox.Good.
Knox walked over to Allie, trying to sound as casual as possible. "What do you think, babe? How about the blue one?"
