As soon as I get to the rap verse, I proudly belt out all the lyrics without even having to look at the screen. For some reason, the girls at our table start laughing hysterically. Like falling on the floor type of laughter. I don’t know why.
I finish to a loud sea of applause from the crowd. I take a little bow. Man, I crushed it. My accompanying dance moves were on the mark tonight.
There’s a cute blonde in the corner making googly eyes at me. I’m going to play it cool a little longer, but then I’ll make my way over to her.
I walk back to our table, feeling like a million bucks. That song is my happy place. I have so many great memories of it.
I’m surprised to see the girls are all still laughing. I clearly missed the joke. “What’s so funny?” I ask.
Unable to speak because she’s cackling so damn loud and hard, Kennedy hands me her phone. I notice that it’s open to her notes app. Her damn catalogue of red flags. “Why are you showing this to me? I already know this obnoxious list exists.”
She sputters, “Look at item four.”
I scroll down to the fourth of what must be two hundred. Sure enough, it reads,men who know every word to the rap verse of “Waterfalls” by TLC.
“What?” I ask, feeling slightly offended and very surprised. “Why is this a red flag?”
“It’s…girlie and nerdy,” she croons in her whiny, annoying voice.
I narrow my eyes at her. “Do you even know what the song is about? It’s about making good decisions in life. About staying away from the pitfalls. It’s deep shit.”
Her laughter only grows louder. “Don’t throw a mantrum, manchild.”
I ball my fists. I usually only choke women with their consent, but this bitch is really asking for it.
She goes on and on about what a tool I am for knowing all the words. I’m feeling a level of anger I’ve never before experienced. I’m such a happy guy, and this woman makes me so damn unhappy.
I turn and head back up onto the stage. After whispering into the MC’s ear and handing him money to move me to the front of the line, he hands me the microphone again, and a new song begins to play. I calmly begin to sing the lyrics.
I keep going until I get to the chorus, at which point I jump off the stage and walk over to the table. I look directly at Kennedy and yell-sing, “So let me spell it out, A-B-C-D-E, F-U and your mom and your sister and your job.”
TEN
KENNEDY
Iwake in the familiar, silky confines of my bed on New Year’s Day, feeling like a skunk died in my mouth and an eighteen-wheeler ran over my head. Ugh.
With every ounce of energy I have, I turn my head to see if the man I came home with is still here. I hope not. I’m not in the mood for morning-after fake pleasantries. Just fuck me hard, knock me around a little bit, and then leave me alone.
I have zero recollection of who it was, but I remember a man carrying me and placing me on my bed last night, so it must have happened.
The other side of the bed doesn’t look like anyone even sat on it, let alone slept in it. Hmm. That’s odd. Did I not get laid? Damnit. I wanted to ring in the New Year with a bang.
Flashes of last night begin to hit me. I remember Daylen pushing some guy away from me and then carrying me out of the karaoke bar. No way. I must be misremembering.
I pull back the blankets and take in my wardrobe. I’m in my top from last night with just my panties on the bottom. My jeansare nowhere to be found. Oh god, I hope I didn’t throw them out the Uber window. I did that a few times in New York.
It’s rare that I have sex with a top on. My tits are usually the first thing men want to see on my body.
With Herculean effort, I turn my head back around and look at my night table. There are two glasses of water and a bottle of Advil sitting on top. My eyes move down to the floor, and I notice a trash can full of puke next to me. This is too thoughtful for a man. One of the girls must have taken care of me. A waft of the puke stench invades my nostrils. Oh cheez, it stinks. I need to dispose of that.
I slowly and gingerly make my way to my bathroom and pour out the contents of the trash can before rinsing it out until the odor is gone. I then strip and get into the shower, letting the hot water pour all over my achy body. Why did I drink so much? We started too early, that’s why. Such a rookie New Year’s Eve mistake. Very unlike me. Daylen was pissing me off so much, I needed to do something to numb the pain and drown out his annoyingly loud laugh. It’s like he has no sense of normal social boundaries.
After showering and a good ten minutes of brushing every square inch of my teeth with half a tube of toothpaste, I start to feel slightly human again. A loud rumbling in my belly alerts me to the fact that I need something in it to soak up the booze.
I slip into my short, red silk robe and walk out of my bedroom toward my kitchen, stopping short when I see a giant male figure sleeping on my couch.
I have no clue who it could be. Maybe I had sex with this guy, and then he passed out on the couch on his way out? Seems plausible given my state.
