I smile. “You have the sweetest pillow talk.”
“Your vagina is a philosophical one,” he announces with a straight face. “That’s why it’s my favorite.”
“What makes her philosophical?”
He smirks. “It’s deep.”
I can’t help but laugh. “Oh my god. Where do you come up with this stuff?”
He wiggles his eyebrows as he continues to carefully run the razor over me. Time and time again, he strokes me with it, never hurting me.
“Got any more vagina jokes for me while you’re down there?”
He twists his lips, all while remaining focused. “Hmm. Why don’t witches wear panties?”
“Why?”
“So they can grip the broomstick better.”
I spit in laughter. “I love that one. I’m using it.”
He places the razor blade in the cup and gives me a satisfied look. “All done. I did a perfect job, if I must say so myself.”
I run my fingers between my legs and check on his work for myself. “It does feel rather smooth. Nicely done, Dr. Humblecock.”
He gasps. “Oh my god, I need a lab coat that has Dr. Humblecock written on it.”
I make a note to order him one for Christmas.
He continues. “My post-football-pussy-shaving business will be called Humblecock Coochies.”
I nod. “It has a nice ring to it.”
He chuckles. “I think so.”
His telephone on the counter rings, and he picks it up before his eyes widen and he looks at me. “It’s Judge Demise.”
“Crap,” I exclaim, “I forgot we have our final meeting with him this morning. Let’s fuck with him.” I stand and quickly grab my robe.
He wiggles his eyebrows. “Yes, excellent idea, wife. Go answer and pretend like we’re not together. I’m sure he’s calling your phone too.”
I grab my ringing phone from the bedroom and run into the other room. Once I’m there, I answer the video call and smile into the camera. “Hi, Judge.”
He scowls. “This is the second time I tried calling. Where were you?”
“Sorry, I was on TikTok watching someone restock their fridge and put things in clear containers for two hours. My bad.”
I can hear Daylen laughing from the other room. God damn, he’s so loud. He’s going to out us to the judge.
He then joins the call. “Sorry I was late. I was walking the snake.”
The judge pinches his eyebrows in confusion. “What does that mean? You can take snakes for walks? Do they have snake collars? Do they have necks?”
I can’t help but giggle. “No, Judge, that was a euphemism for going to the bathroom. My dear husband amuses himself by finding random ways to tell people he’s going to the bathroom.”
The judge sighs. “God help me, you two will be the death of me.” He then mumbles, “It wasn’t worth it.”
“Worth what?” Daylen asks.
