His temper roared to unprecedented heights as he lengthened his stride to catch up to Susanna. How could she let him believe they were married this whole time? God, the things he had done to her, the things she had done to him. But more than the sex, the unbelievably amazing sex, was how firmly he had fallen in love with her. Damn her! He never wanted this. The risks were too high. She had tricked him.
She stood on the hill, the tall sea grass waving around her. Her back to him, she stared out at the sea. He strode up. “Susanna.”
She turned slowly, her arms wrapped around her waist. “I’m sorry, Miles. I never meant for it all to go so far. I told Mr. Marlow we were married so that I could stay with you, take care of you. And then I became caught up in the fantasy. You are very persuasive when you want to be.” One corner of her mouth quirked up.
But he would not allow himself to be seduced by her any longer. “You had no right. You made me believe that you were mine.” The pain of knowing she was not almost brought him to his knees. Anger rolled in to run roughshod over that pain. “You have been playing with my emotions.”
“No, I swear it was never a game. I—”
“I don’t believe you,” he shouted. He pinched the bridge of his nose and sucked in a deep breath as he tried to rein in his emotions. This was not him; he did not lose control. He closed his eyes and mentally locked down his hurt feelings, this terrible well of disappointment.
“I understand,” Susanna said quietly. “I will go home tomorrow and leave you alone.”
“No, what is going to happen is that we will be married. Something small and discreet in Marbury. Then you may choose one of my numerous properties to live and I will send for you when your hostess duties are required in London.”
Her eyes blazed with indignation setting fire to their amber depths. “Why would I ever agree to a relationship like that?”
He stepped forward, leaning into her space. “Susanna, you could be carrying my child as we speak. Do you think for a minute I would let you scamper off unprotected?”
“After all we’ve shared the past week, that is the only reason you want to marry me?” Her bottom lip trembled even though her eyes still blazed with anger.
No!His heart shouted.It’s because you’re mine! Because I love you with every fiber of my being.But the words clogged his throat. He would not say them. It was folly to love, it only led to pain. He just needed time and space away from her to be able to breathe again. To remember who he truly was, what his goals were.
She poked a finger into his chest. “No, I refuse. I will not be married to a man who is not willing to love me. Who will break my heart every day. I know you would not want to cause me that pain.” Her breath hitched as she swallowed a sob. “I deserve declarations of love and tender moments, and most of all choices.”
He clenched his jaw so tight he feared he might break a tooth. “You took away all our choices when you lied and seduced me into your bed. You have trapped us both.” He couldn’t look at her for even one more minute. He turned on his heel to walk away. “Be ready to leave in the morning.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Susanna stalked backand forth across the carpet of her bedroom. Tears streamed down her face. She would not go downstairs for dinner and make small talk with his brother and pretend that Miles had not just ripped her heart right out of her chest. “Damn him forever,” she said to the empty room. Hadn’t he learned anything the last two weeks? How could he deny the love they shared?
She wiped at her face, smearing wet tears into her hair. Furious with herself. She should have told him everything yesterday when she confessed to her affair with Stuart. While she was telling truths. If she was honest, she should have told him right at the beginning, let him know the reason for the ruse. But how dare he say she had seduced him? He had been the one to instruct her that night at the inn. He had been the one to lay her in the grass with his head between her legs. She groaned at the memory and flung herself down on the bed.
Staring up at the canopy she drew in a long cleansing breath. Miles was not just the man she had known the past week. The one who had splashed in the ocean, listened to her read, and made love to her. He was also the Marquess of Hawksridge, the peer who cared about his reputation and his political aspirations. The man who worked too hard and was lonely behind the walls he had built around his heart. Was she willing to love all of him?
One didn’t hurt the people you loved, but she had hurt him. She had been selfish. She had wanted him to be hers and she had taken without asking. She hadn’t wanted to tell the truth; she wanted the lie to be true. He said she had trapped them both. Susanna sat up and wiped her eyes again. She would only have him if she could have the whole of his heart. If he couldn’t give her that then she would set him free.
*
The next morningMiles stood outside Susanna’s bedroom. He clasped his hands behind his back and stared at her door. Last night had been pure torture. All night his memories swirled in a tornado of guilt and want and regret. Visions of her pleasuring herself while he told her what he wanted her to do mixed with ones of her laughing and racing down the beach in her bare feet. He remembered every detail of when their chaise had been commandeered. The terror that had coursed through him when he had realized she was going to go with that man in order to keep him from being shot. Didn’t she know he would gladly have taken a bullet in order to save her?
She hadn’t come downstairs for dinner last night. Not surprising after the way he had let loose his anger on the beach. Much of that anger had drained from him overnight. All that he felt now was conflicted, between who he thought he ought to be and the man he had been able to be the past week and half.
“Why do you hold yourself back from her when it is clear that you want her?” Daniel’s voice came from a few feet away. “You’ve wanted her for a while now. I’ve seen the way you look at her.”
“And how’s that, brother?”
Daniel came to stand next to him. “With longing. Like she is something pretty on a pedestal and if you touch her, she will fall off and break.”
“That’s already happened,” he confessed. He glanced over at Daniel. “Do you ever fear that what you feel for Charlotte is too big? That it will be too hard if you lost her? Like what happened to Father after Mother died?”
“Fear is a part of love. There is no way to not fear losing the ones you love. But then wouldn’t you want to cherish every moment you do have with the one you love? I don’t take anything for granted. Every day with Charlotte is a gift.”
He put a hand on his brother’s shoulder and squeezed. “Thank you for your wise words. I have been living so long with this fear lodged in my heart. But now, with her taking up all the space there I think it’s time to let it go.”
Daniel slapped him on the back. “Well, what are you waiting for? Knock on the damn door.”
Miles stepped forward and knocked. There was no answer from within. He didn’t even hear her moving about. He knocked again. Still nothing. Now she was just being childish. He reached for the knob and found it unlocked so he pushed the door open and stepped inside. “Susanna?” The room was empty save her trunk which sat with its lid open half-packed. He rolled his eyes.
