“That’s why I was calling you. Maybe in the next hour. Mom said KJ can spend the night with her and she’ll drive him to school tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
He studied my face. “You’ve been crying, why?”
I shook my head vehemently. “Not right now. I’m going to bring Jamie to his father instead of home when they discharge him.”
Kody’s face reddened. “The fuck you will.”
“Yes, I will. He deserves to be around Jamie, especially now.” I pointed in the direction of Jamie’s hospital room. “You heard my father. He admitted that he lied. He asked us if we’d told Freedom when he allegedly told him years ago. So, is it you who lied or him?”
He seethed, though he answered, “Your father lied to me. I honestly thought Freedom knew and didn’t want Jamie. I onlyreached out to Free to see if he had any jobs we could do for him because we needed the money, and I assumed he would help because we were once friends. I didn’t expect this shit storm.”
I shook my head slowly. “We were so wrong, keeping Freedom’s baby from him. It doesn’t matter if he would or wouldn’t have become a big star. Or if my father questioned his worthiness. Freedom deserved to know about his son, and we’re still keeping Jamie from him.”
“Jamie is coming home with us. Freedom can visit him at our house tomorrow. I’ve allowed you too many liberties with Freedom, and that ends now.” He hissed.
“What if I had KJ for fourteen years and you didn’t know. How would you feel? Stop letting your ego or whatever hatred you feel for him get in the way of what you know is right,” I reasoned.
“The fact that I didn’t make a fuss when you went to Nashville with Jamie, or that Jamie can call and visit his father anytime, that ismeshowing empathy when the man fucked my wife.” He moved closer to me. “Am I supposed to forget that? This man will be a part of our lives forever. I have no connections with any of the women I’ve dealt with. It’s just you and me now.”
“For how long, Kody? How long is your self-imposed fidelity going to last? You say it like you’re making the ultimate sacrifice for me, when faithfulness in a relationship should be a given. You’ve been fucking over me since we were dating. I’ll give you credit for the first six years of our marriage, you were faithful to me, and I allowed myself to fully trust and love you. Then I guess you got bored.”
My phone buzzed again, and I looked at the text from Jamie.
They ready to discharge me.
I pocketed my phone. “I’m too exhausted to argue with another person. I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell my father that Jamie and I are going to Freedom’s tonight. I won’t beable to sleep if I can’t keep an eye on Jamie. I’ll be back in the morning. If Jamie wants to stay there to rest and Freedom can watch him, he’ll stay. Otherwise, we’ll both be home in the morning.”
“Go to him, and we’re done.” He jabbed his finger in my face.
“If you’re not ready to tell me where you were the night that Peace broke into that home, I suggest you keep your ultimatums to yourself.” I walked away from him and headed back to the hospital room.
Dropping the keys on the hall table, I placed the bottle of Tequila and the pack of pills beside it. I’d called Sammie, my tour bus driver, for a connect here, and my delivery waited outside in front of the door within twenty minutes of me making the call after leaving the hospital. My migraine had been unrelenting, with levels of pain fluctuating throughout this whole miserable day. The best part of the day was knowing that Jamie could handle himself. He had been proud of himself, that, though he’d been injured, he wasn’t scared. I understood. No one wants to be scared and helpless, especially a man.
And today, my unassuming, quiet son bested two bullies.
Instead of understanding that Jamie needed that victory as a young man, all Jamaica could see was me supporting bad and aggressive behavior because she associated me with those bullies. After all that I’d been through, I wasn’t going to allowher to define me as anything other than what I am. Too bad, my heart and body physically ached because I loved her so.
I plopped down on the sofa and placed my head in my hands. Jamaica made it clear over the past six weeks that she wasn’t leaving Kody. In her eyes, though she loved me,hewas worthy of her love. She battled her feelings for me because she didn’t want to be with a man she believed would engage in unscrupulous behaviors that she was too blind to see in her own husband.
The pain of a shattered heart. The agony of losing years of my precious son’s life because his grandfather judged me as unworthy. I needed to feel nothing and experience peace. When I started using alcohol and drugs over ten years ago, I almost understood my father. I didn’t know and probably would never know the demons he tried to escape through a bottle. Life for a poor black man, who’d been in the streets, trying to raise two sons. One headstrong and one, unable to hide his affinity towards the same sex.
Although I no longer spoke with my father, I sent him money each month. He could pay bills or drink it up. I sent him money out of respect because he was my father. He brought my brother and me into the world. At one point, my parents loved each other enough to have two sons. He didn’t have to get us from Houston when my mother died. He did because he was our father.
The night I was arrested, I could finally see his love and concern when he demanded and then pleaded to know why I was being detained. He’d even run outside to the car, telling me that he would get me out, though I held no such hope. Feeling utterly helpless and miserable because I had no idea why I was being hauled off to jail, and that I couldn’t even tell Jamaica that I wouldn’t be able to take her to prom. She wouldn’t know the magical night I’d planned for us. Instead, she would think I stood her up and would probably never forgive me.
Three days later, I was surprised when the guard said I had made bail. My father explained on the ride home that because the jails were crowded, bail was lower than usual. He used the rent money to free me. My father had been to prison, and no son of his would sit in vain waiting for a court date if he could help it. He never asked if I did it or treated me as if I were a criminal. My father simply didn’t want me spending more time than necessary locked up.
I told him that day in court, before they led me off in handcuffs, to let Peace live with our grandmother in Houston. I told him he’d done the best he could and that I was afraid that, without me being a buffer, they might kill each other. For some reason, my father listened, and as soon as I started earning money while in Job Corps, I sent money to him and our granny to take care of Peace.
Now that I had a son, I wondered if I would introduce them. Maybe if he were clean and sober, I would. Or if he’d mellowed out and didn’t judge my son for his queerness, I might. I allowed my head to flop back on the sofa. I had money and power, and yet I sat here alone in a dark house. My guitar was still on the chair beside the couch from this morning. I woke up bursting with creativity because my son was spending the night with me and had written lyrics and music for a soulful country song,The Gift of Blue, which I wanted to record as soon as I went back to Nashville. I reached for my guitar and placed it on my lap, and strummed a few strings.
Like Lauryn Hill and Chris Brown, I was proficient in voice and rap. I could cipher or croon with the best without hesitation. Music had been my way to cope and way of life for so long, and today had been a crazy day of revelations, drama, and above all, family. Being with everyone together had been surreal yet appropriate. We wereallJamie’s family. Though it bothered meto see Jamaica comfort Kody, she was behaving as the wife and friend that she had been to him. I just wish it were me.
Jamie thrived being the center of attention. I expected a quiet, hurt boy, possibly afraid to return to school. Yet he was bold, confident, and intuitive enough to recognize that his two fathers were at odds. Still can’t believe he held both our hands and told Kody and me he needed us both. To see Kody break down as he did and hug Jamie, I realized that he’d been scared that he would lose Jamie as much as I worried he wouldn’t love me. My fourteen-year-old had the capacity to love with his whole heart, just as I did. And my mother before me.
I hummed and picked at the guitar.
