She stared at me. “Pull over.”
“We will be at the hospital in a few minutes.”
“Pull over now. I don’t know if you’ll attract attention at the hospital.” She pointed to a shopping center. “Pull right in there and park near that bush.”
I did as she instructed, and before I could put the car in park, she grabbed my face and kissed me. Pressed her lips on mine and kissed me deeply and hungrily. She needed to feel me and believe I was really here with her. I allowed her to kiss me, to be the aggressor, sensing she needed to expel her emotions through me. When I became aroused, I tugged on her ponytail for her to release me, and the love, relief, and sadness in her eyes clenched my stomach.
“Baby, it’s okay. Told you I’m here. Our son will be fine. We’ll make sure of it.”
She rapidly nodded and wiped her eyes. “This is the first time you felt real. Not this fantasy. It’s a Wednesday in April, and you’re here with me to be with me as we check on our son together. This means more than you’ll ever comprehend.”
I wiped her tears with my thumb and then interlocked our hands. “You’re the one who’s convinced that I won’t be here for you and our family.” Still holding her hand, I started the ignition and headed to the hospital.
As much as I wanted her to know the truth about Kody and her father, she couldn’t handle that now. I would back off. I had to have faith that our winding journey would end in marriage, whether the secrets ever tumbled out.
My conflicted heart loved two men. No matter which direction I leaned toward, the scales seemed unbalanced. Maybe if it were just Jamie and me, I could let go of Kody and be with Freedom the way my heart yearned.
KJ.
My KJ, my sunshine. My energy. My bundle of joy, who smiled all the time.
Under the best of intentions, a divorce would take away his shine. He was too young to ascertain or care if his parents were happy and content together. All he knew was his mama and daddy and that he could jump into the bed between us whenever he wanted. That his parents took him to his favorite activities, like the Boy Scout meetings, swimming, and Dave and Buster’s. He didn’t have to wait to open up gifts on Christmas because both of his parents tumbled out of bed when he eagerly woke them up.
For five years, I had been content living with Kody and not being his wife. In the depths of my heart, I only wanted my last name to change to Cade. My parents hated that we were shacked up, raising Jamie, and that I didn’t force this issue. They assumed Kody dragged his feet when it was me. He’d brought up marriage in our conversations, though he’d never proposed. I told him that a paper didn’t mean anything or could hold us together if we wanted to leave one another.
After a careless, spontaneous romp in the backseat of his SUV and the wand predicted a baby was on the way, Kody put his foot down. With another baby boy growing inside of me and the man who helped me create him by my side, the fierce need to hold on to a love that would never come back finally broke. I gave Kody my all. Happily married him, worked hard to build a successful business, and took care of my boys.
We were a unit striving to be a healthy, black family. I enjoyed volunteering at school and in the community while also handling the business side of Happy Homes. Loved that my parents had fully embraced us once we married and helped us with the down payment for our sprawling home. I had a busy and full life devoted to being a wife and mother.
Then Kody cheated, and the walls started to crumble.
I’d known of his wandering eye and had erroneously attributed it to my unwillingness to lock it down with him. I turned my head when he came home later than he said he would, or when he smelled faintly of perfume or worse, fresh soap. Assumed that Kody looked at other women because I refused to give him my all. Thought that once I committed to him in front of God and everyone we loved, wore his ring and his name, that he would trust in me and give me his all, too.
Six weeks ago, Kody promised his all. I made no such promises except to move forward, and as I stood beside him in the hospital room talking to Jamie, while the man of my heartand carnal desires held Jamie’s hand across from us, I wondered how long before I succumbed to Freedom again.
“I gotta couple of licks in,” Jamie said proudly to Kody. “I remembered what you taught me when I was little, if someone approached me from the back.”
“Naw…naw…did you actually teach him that move?” Freedom asked Kody. “That was a good one. He tried to use it on me when we were in the sixth grade.”
“I didn’t just try. You were on the ground.”
Freedom waved his hand. “Still got a warped sense of reality. You know I won that fight. That’s why we became friends. Realized you couldn’t beat me, so why not be my friend?”
Kody taunted, “Lies and garbage.”
Seeing them like this reminded me of how close they were at one point. You didn’t see one without the other. Always teasing and laughing. Popular among our classmates and most teachers despite their mischievousness. An undercurrent of competition and jealousy prevailed, yet they were protective of each other.Why did it end?
Jamie frowned slightly and lifted his arm that had an IV for pain meds to clasp Kody’s hand, too. “Free told me that you and he were best friends. And I now know you didn’t start dating Mama until I was two, so why did you stop being friends?”
Kody and Freedom exchanged knowing glances.
Peace, who had been sitting in the corner quietly, replied, “Sometimes, friends are only meant for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”
“What if I need both of you in my life?” Jamie asked. “Because I don’t want to choose.”
An overwhelmed Kody bent to hug him, and I rubbed Kody’s back. “Not too hard, Babe.”
Freedom’s eyes glistened, noting evidence of the love and comfort that I had for Kody. He cleared his throat. “You neverhave to choose. Kody has been there for you…um…when I didn’t have the opportunity... or couldn’t. I hope I didn’t make you feel that you had to love me and love me only.”
