I’d never told anyone this story. Not the full version. But something about Lily made it impossible to deflect. Her tone, her eyes—they made me feel that I mattered. That every word I was about to say would be heard.
I leaned my head back against the couch. “Yeah. Someone did.”
She waited, quiet and open.
I took a deep breath. “You know that romantic idea of college sweethearts? My first love was the opposite of that. I met Alex my freshman year. He was older, a Fine Arts major. He had the tortured-artist thing down to a science—charming,impulsive, a little bit unhinged. I didn’t recognize it for what it was.”
Lily nodded, encouraging me to go on.
“We painted each other nude. Got drunk on cheap wine. Had a lot of wild sex and zero boundaries. When Dad got too critical, I moved in with Alex just to prove I was independent.” I let out a bitter laugh. “Big mistake.”
Her expression didn’t change, but I saw the flicker of pain in her eyes.
“He was a drug addict,” I continued. “I didn’t realize how bad it was until his parents cut him off. He spiraled. Took anything he could find—meth, coke, heroin. I waitressed nights to keep us afloat. He couldn’t get any job involving art, so he worked construction. Hated it. Hated that I made more money. He started resenting me for having talent. One night, I came home and found that he’d sold all my artwork. All of it—paintings, sculptures, all the projects that I had to turn in for my classes. I was livid, and he was—”
I stopped, recalling that night, searching for the right words. How could I describe that nightmare?
“He was wild,” I whispered. “I don’t know what he’d taken because I’ve never done drugs, but whatever he was on made him crazy. When I started yelling at him, he punched me. We’d had lots of fights, but he’d never laid a hand on me. That night, he beat the shit out of me.”
Lily’s hand found mine again. She didn’t say anything, just held on.
“I couldn’t fight back. I always thought I was tough, but in that moment I was nothing. He could’ve killed me, and I wouldn’t have been able to stop it. I blacked out at some point. When I came to, he was gone.”
Lily stayed quiet, giving me space.
“I didn’t go to the hospital. Didn’t call the cops. If I did, my dad would’ve found out, and I knew he’d kill Alex and end up in prison. I couldn’t let that happen. So I took a cab to a crappy motel and waited out the bruises. Told my dad I was fine every time he called.”
I stared at the table, my voice low. “Alex tried to call me, but I blocked him. I never went back for my things. I just moved back home and… tried to forget he existed. I didn’t date anyone for two years after that. And when I finally did, it was never serious. Just casual stuff. Nothing that could hurt me.”
“That must have been incredibly traumatizing,” Lily said softly. “I’m so sorry you went through that.”
“That’s why I don’t trust men. Why I keep them at a distance. It’s not some feminist power move—it’s survival.”
“That’s what you need to remember. You survived, and I admire the hell out of you for doing it. For getting out. So many women don’t. They live a lifetime of abuse, or end up killed by their partners.”
I studied a tiny crack in the ceiling. “Sometimes I think I should’ve done more. Pressed charges, made him pay. But I didn’t want anyone to know. I just wanted it gone.”
She squeezed my hand again. “You did what you had to do to stay safe. That’s what matters.”
I nodded, the tightness in my chest starting to ease. “He was a scumbag. The worst kind of person to fall in love with.”
“And yet you walked away. That takes strength.”
I gave her a tired smile. “Is that your professional opinion?”
“One hundred percent. But don’t give up on all men.”
I shrugged. “I didn’t give up. I just start off by thinking I can’t trust them.”
“A self-defense mechanism.”
“Exactly. Works like a charm. Have some more.” I passed her the plate of waffles.
Once again, she cut into the golden treat. “Do you think it would work with Sebastian?”
I honestly didn’t know the answer. Sebastian was different in a way I couldn’t explain, and that made me uneasy. There was something that drew me to him, but made the rational part of my brain shout at me to run.
I shook my head. “I don’t know, Lily. Why risk it? Besides, we’re getting way ahead of ourselves here. Sebastian’s never asked me out.”
