Henry eyes me. ‘Have you talked since?’
‘No.’ Of course not. ‘I wanted to apologize before assembly. But . . .’ My stomach clenches.
‘You’ll apologize as soon as she’s better.’ Henry sounds firm.
As if that meant it was done. ‘Why did I do it?’ I stutter.
‘Because you two are in love.’ He says it like it’s the most natural thing in the world. And it kind of is. ‘Because you have feelings for her, and you were hurt. But, Sinclair, you have to find the guts to tell her the truth if you don’t want things to be like this between you for ever.’
It sounds so simple when he puts it like that.
‘It’s not that hard,’ he adds, as if he’d read my mind. ‘And it’s worth it, I promise.’
Maybe Henry’s right. But maybe I’ve fucked up. Maybe Tori won’t listen, which would be perfectly understandable.
Emma’s waiting for us at the corner to the classrooms. She’s pale and her eyes are wide with worry. ‘How is she?’ she asks at once.
I let Henry answer. I don’t listen as we walk to class. I can’t concentrate on anything. I do try, but all morning, my thoughts are anywhere except the classroom. I stare out of the window, so that I’ll see if an ambulance arrives. By lunch, I feel so grim it would be a good enough excuse to go to the sick bay myself.
I barely manage to choke down a mouthful. I feel Henry’s eyes on me and try not to let it show, but Tori hasn’t replied to the texts I’ve sent her, which must mean she’s too ill even to have picked up her phone. Or that she hates me. Neither option is exactly soothing.
I fight my way through two more lessons, then head to the stables. It’s the only answer when I can’t think straight. There isn’t time for a ride before study time, but that means the stables will be empty right now.
‘I’ve fucked up,’ I whisper, once I’ve cleaned Jubilee’s hoofs and straightened up again. She snorts quietly and twitches her ears towards me. There are few things I believe as firmly as that she can sense my emotions. ‘With Tori. I’ve fucked the whole thing up. And d’you know what? The worst thing is that it started when I got the part in the play. It went so wrong. I only auditioned so that we could spend more time together again. It was meant to be the answer. But it turned out to be the opposite. This stupid play has just made everything even more complicated.’
Jubilee turns her head towards me as I knock out the hoof pick and throw it back in my grooming kit. Then I reach down to pick up the curry comb and body brush. Brushing her soft coat has an almost meditative quality.
‘I mean, what was I expecting?’ I ask, as if Jubilee could actually answer me. ‘I’d hate it too if she was playing the lead. With Val. That fucker, wow . . .’ The mare immediately tenses and I make an effort to calm my voice. ‘I would really have hated it. Even if they were only co-stars, only stage-kissing. What on earth was I thinking?’ I duck beneath Jubilee’s lead rope to get to her other flank. For a while, I brush her in silence, but the thoughts are getting louder and louder in my mind. ‘I guess there’s only one solution, unless you have any ideas?’ Jubilee stays quiet. ‘Shit, OK. I’m afraid you’re right. But at least that way I’ll have more time for you.’
She snorts smugly, almost as if she’d really understood me. Maybe she had. Although I’d be surprised. Lately, evenIdon’t understand me.
‘I was really enjoying it, you know?’ I shut my eyes. ‘But I’ve got no choice, have I?’
She snorts again.
‘Thought not.’
19
SINCLAIR
I could stay here for ever, brushing Jubilee and pouring my heart out to her, but study hour is looming and I really need to speak to Mr Acevedo first. I’m dreading the conversation, but I still feel kind of calmer as I walk back to the school.
The sky is grey on grey and I want to know how Tori’s doing. Is she feeling better? What if she wakes up and she’s scared because she doesn’t know what happened? Everything within me yearns just to take the corridor to the sick bay and ask after her, but I know they won’t let me see her. Especially not in my dirty stables clothes. I’m just crossing the courtyard when a dark car drives through the gate.
I stop as I recognize the driver. Tori’s dad doesn’t even wait for Arthur to stop the car – he’s already opening the door. He’s wearing a black suit and looks like he’s come straight from a business meeting. His gaze roams over the school walls, then comes to rest on me.
‘Charlie.’ He’s looking worried, but his smile seems genuine as he walks over. ‘Nice to see you.’
I just about manage a ‘Hello.’ He hugs me before I get a chance to warn him that I’m all dusty and reek of the stables. It starts to drizzle.
‘How are you?’ he asks. Doesn’t he know what I did? Tori gets on well with her dad. She tells him everything. Or almost everything . . .
‘Fine, thanks, George.’ I gulp. ‘Are you here to see Tori?’ I’ve spent plenty of weekends and holidays with the Belhaven-Wynfords, but it will always feel weird to be on first-name terms with Tori’s parents, however much they insist. Especially here at school, where Tori calls my mum ‘Mrs Sinclair’ like everyone else.
‘I was in Edinburgh for work when your mother called me,’ he explains. ‘Apparently, there’s a flu bug going around here.’
It sounds so harmless the way he says it. But maybe it really is, if you didn’t happen to have been standing right there when Tori just keeled over. I nod.
