I have to sit down. I have to . . .
I grab Charlie’s arm because I’m scared of falling. I hear his voice; I don’t know what he’s saying. I feel sick, sicker than ever in my whole life. He reaches for me, the buzzing in my head swells to a roar and then it’s finally, finally quiet.
SINCLAIR
I didn’t sleep. I spent the whole bloody night thinking about Tori’s blank gaze and the disappointment on her face and regretting what I’d done. Not just for her sake – to be perfectly honest, it was anything but fair on Eleanor too. OK, so she’dsaid she wouldn’t have a problem with real kisses on stage, but I crossed the line. I used her to get revenge on Tori. I’m so mortified I want the ground to swallow me. I spent the rest of the night composing apologies. I even reached for my phone to make a note of them all. There were a lot, but then there are a lot of things I need to apologize to Tori for.
Sorry for being such an arsehole.
Sorry for intentionally kissing Eleanor in front of you.
Sorry for yelling at you.
Sorry for not just saying the stuff I want to say.
Sorry for acting like a fucking prick and starting a fight with Valentine.
Sorry for denying your feelings and interfering in your relationship with him.
Sorry for being a coward.
Sorry for being an angry coward.
Sorry for taking everything out on you.
Sorry for kissing you.
OK, no, not sorry, because I wanted it so much.
But sorry for kissing you without asking permission first.
Sorry for acting like it never happened, ever since.
Sorry for the first time turning out like that.
Sorry for being unable to talk about my feelings.
Sorry for pretending to like Eleanor.
Sorry for being so scared.
It’s a list I could continue for ever. I’m genuinely praying I’ll be able to remember all those things tomorrow, but knowing my luck, I’ll end up standing face to face with Tori, still not knowing what to say.
No. That’s not going to happen. If necessary, I’ll have to pull out my phone like a loser and read out all the words I’ll neverotherwise get over my lips. Even though she deserves better. I bet Valentine Ward could manage it. Stand there and tell her what’s what. God, I can’t bear it.
In the morning, by the time I go down to assembly, I’m more nervous than I was before my audition. I barely slept but the adrenaline is keeping me wide awake. I got here extra early this morning, but even after ten minutes’ hanging around by the doors, Tori hasn’t turned up. I’m just about to check whether I’ve missed her and she’s actually in the hall with the others when Mum arrives.
I don’t know how she does it, but I always get the feeling she can see right through me with a single glance. The day after the fight, she called me in to enquire whether I had anything to tell her. I said no, and Mum accepted that. Did she ask Valentine too? If so, he must have kept his mouth shut, or we’d have been back on the mat in her office together.
I cough slightly and mumble, ‘Morning.’
‘Did you sleep well?’ she asks, though I’m pretty sure she can see that I didn’t. Either way, it seems to have been a rhetorical question, because Mum’s still talking. ‘Are you waiting for someone?’
I hastily shake my head and turn to follow her down the central aisle. I join Henry in our row. It’s traditional to leave the two seats between us free. For Emma and Tori, although I bet she’d rather sit anywhere but next to me today.
‘Where’s Emma?’ I ask, as Henry straightens his tie.
He nods towards the aisle as, at that second, Emma and Tori reach our row.
