‘I was just about to leave, everything was perfectly fine. I had it all under control, got that?’
‘Yeah, that’s just what it looked like.’ He takes the peas.
‘What were you even doing down there?’ I ask, as I remember that he was meant to be at the midnight party with the others.
‘Eleanor messaged me.’
I freeze. He was there for her. Because Eleanor messaged him. I stop feeling anything.
‘She saw you with Valentine and she was worried about you.’
I turn away. ‘You shouldn’t have come.’
‘Fuck it, Tori. Stop all this crap!’
I flinch. ‘No, don’t you get it? I don’t need you, I didn’t need rescuing. I had everything under control until you turned up and started throwing punches, like a Neanderthal. God, what were you thinking?’
‘What was I thinking?’ he repeats. ‘That that wanker would finally get what’s coming to him! He walks around this school thinking he can treat everyone like shit without ever taking the consequences. He did the exact same thing to Eleanor!’
Eleanor. Of course Eleanor. Always, always Eleanor. I can’t stand it any more. And I’m furious. With Valentine, with Charlie and, most of all, with myself. Why can’t I even come close to living out my values in real life? Why is it so much easier to roll my eyes when the protagonist of one of my books makes stupid decisions and doesn’t speak up? Why are things so much more complicated in reality? Why didn’t I tell Val what I wanted to say?No.Clear and concise.Let me go, never touch me again.Why? And why do I now feel guilty about that? Why did I let things get to the point where my best friend was fighting for me only hours after kissing me and why haven’t we spoken about it again the way we should do?
I know that I’m not being fair, I’m very well aware of that, but when Charlie takes a hesitant step towards me, I can’t help myself. When he raises his hand and the tears threaten to choke me again, the rage comes, and the desperate urge to push him away. Because he is the only person in the world I can’t pretend to.
‘No,’ I snap at him. ‘It wasn’t OK, do you get that? I didn’t ask you to fight for me and pull all that toxic shit!’
He freezes. ‘Tori . . .’
‘A punch-up? Seriously, Charlie?’
‘I was trying to help!’
‘And I didn’t need your help!’
Charlie stares at me. I don’t know if anything has ever hurt as much as the sight of the emotions playing across his face. Disbelief, confusion, followed by disappointment, and finally he shuts down. It hurts, but it’s the only way I can bear it. I can’t tell him that a too large weak part of me wanted to cry with relief when I saw him. That I just want to cry now. That I want to throw myself into his arms and hide there from the whole bloody world. That I might be endangering our friendship but I don’t care. But I don’t do that because I have no strength left. Because my heart’s been broken so often and in so many different ways. And his is too. I saw to that myself.
His eyes grow cold and his face hardens. ‘So it’s all my fault,’ he says slowly.
I bite my tongue and nod.
‘I see.’ Two syllables, sharp. It works. ‘Honestly, Tori, fuck you.’
He doesn’t mean it, he doesn’t mean it.
He really does mean it and I deserve it.
I bite my back teeth together as hard as I can, anything, just don’t cry.
‘Fuckyou, Charlie.’
SINCLAIR
No idea how it happens so fast, but the very next day, the entire school seems to know about my fight with Valentine. I keep my head down as I walk to class behind Henry and Gideon, but the whispers aren’t far behind. I haven’t seen Val yet, but I hope with all my heart that his face looks at least as crap as mine. At the morning run, I succeeded in keeping out of Tori’s way.
Fate is against me again, because in the south wing, I run right into Mum. Her eyes fall on me as I walk towards her. Briefly I regret not having told her. Then I could have explained things and wouldn’t have to risk her saying anything here, in front of everybody. She doesn’t, but I see the disapproval in her face. There’s little she tolerates less than violence. All the same, after an unbearably long moment, she walks on without comment.
I lower my head so that my curls fall down into my face as I follow Henry. It’s not until Val comes towards us that I raise it again. He gives me a total death glare, which I return only too happily. It’s daft. But there’s so much rage inside me, and it’s at least doubled since last night.
Tori, who’s already approaching our classroom, doesn’t even look at me. And I don’t care. I don’t give a shit. Seriously. She can do one. And Henry too, if he gives me even one more of those knowing glances. He eventually accepted that I’m not going to tell him what happened, but he’s well enough plugged into the school grapevine that he’ll have heard it all hours ago. Besides, he’s got eyes in his head. The left side of Val’s face is slightly swollen and there’s a bruise adorning his nose, but sadly he looks fairly normal apart from that. If you didn’t already know what had happened, you might think it had just been an extra-brutal rugby session. Even so, Henry gives a smile of satisfaction at the sight of him, just for a second, then he’s the serious schoolcaptain again, shoulders back. But I know why he’s my best pal, unlike Tori, because the main thing I feel when I look in her direction is despair. And rage at myself. Because I know she’s right. It was pointless to act like that, to sock Val one. I’m not like that. I’d have bet, with almost total certainty, that I’d never be the one to pick a fight. It seems I was wrong, but what can I say? I didn’t go looking for trouble. And Val practically left me no choice. I couldn’t help myself. Great, I sound like Romeo justifying having killed someone.
