‘I didn’t want it to be weird.’ Charlie looks down again. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘It does matter,’ I say. ‘Of course it matters.’ And then: ‘It was my first time too.’
He didn’t know.
I’m sure of that as he jerks his head up and his eyes widen.
‘Wait, what?’
I say nothing.
‘But I thought . . .’ He hesitates. ‘Val?’
I laugh out loud. ‘God, Charlie. No.’
‘You were prepared, you even had condoms, I thought . . .’
‘No.’ I don’t know why my eyes are suddenly stinging. ‘That was just a precaution. I wanted to be ready just in case. But, luckily, I never used them with him.’
Charlie stares at me and I can practically see the cogs whirring in his brain, the puzzle pieces I’ve thrown him over the last few weeks fitting together. Random scraps of the past that I wish I could forget, but never will.
‘Tori, I didn’t know . . .’
I shake my head. ‘Why would you?’
‘We’re so stupid,’ Charlie whispers. He sounds genuinely shocked.
I have to laugh. ‘We really are.’
‘But . . . what made you think it wasn’t my first time?’
I hesitate, then just say it. ‘Eleanor?’
He looks at me like I’ve gone mad.
‘That’s a no, then?’
‘Tori,no. God, no.’
‘But anyone can see your chemistry on the stage,’ I justify myself.
‘Yes, but does that mean you have to have sex?’
‘I don’t know – you’re the actors.’
‘Tori.’ He swallows, hard. ‘You’re the only person I’ve ever kissed off this stage.’ I flush. ‘And the only person I’ve ever wanted to kiss.’
‘But, Eleanor, in the third form . . . Everyone knew you were into her.’
‘Yeah, because that’s what I wanted them to think. So nobody would notice I was intoyou.’
‘But why? What would have been so bad about that?’
‘I don’t know. Because we were just friends and I was scared.’
My heart is pounding, my blood churning. So much truth, my head just can’t process it all quickly enough. But I take a step towards him. ‘We’re not just friends,’ I say. ‘Look at us.’
And he looks at me. I’ve never been as aware of myself as I am in this moment, and I pray he’ll never stop. Never again.
