SINCLAIR
We’re in Mum’s office. Tori is standing behind the chair her brother’s sitting on, soothingly stroking his shoulders while he explains what happened. I know most of it – Tori told me – but to hear from Will how Kit has been spending as few nights as possible at home because his dad might get angry at any time, and his mum doesn’t do anything to stop him, makes my throat tighten.
Mum feels similar. I can tell from the look of self-control on her face as she stands there, leaning on her desk, and listening to Will.
‘Why didn’t you come to me at once?’ she asks in the end. She looks from Will to Tori to me. I gulp and lower my head.
‘Kit didn’t want to,’ Will says eventually. ‘I could hardly convince him even to talk to Henry.’
‘Henry knew about this?’ Mum’s voice sounds a little higher-pitched than normal, a sure sign she’s annoyed.
‘He wanted to tell you. But Kit . . . He was afraid of what would happen if people found out. Ebrington’s a small place. People might stop going to the shop and that would make his dad even angrier. He’d already threatened to take him away from school.’
‘William, Christopher just had to be taken to A and E in an ambulance,’ Mum says.
I bite the inside of my cheek as his eyes fill with tears again.
‘I’m going to have to inform social services.’
‘No, please. Can’t you at least wait until you’ve spoken to Kit? He’ll kill me when he knows that I—’
‘William,’ she interrupts him. ‘It reflects well on you that you want to protect your boyfriend, but as head teacher, it is my responsibility to tell the authorities. Christopher is under eighteen, so I have no choice. And I assure you that he won’t have to leave Dunbridge, whatever Mr Irvine threatens.’ She waits for him to nod. ‘We will find a solution for him,’ she promises. ‘All that matters is that Kit is safe now.’
‘I have to see him,’ Will says. ‘Please.’
‘Dr Henderson will give you a lift to Edinburgh tomorrow.’
‘But—’
‘It’s late, William, long past wing time.’ Mum’s eyes fall on me. ‘I’ll tell Charles as soon as I’ve heard from Dr Henderson and he can let you know.’
I nod.
‘Do you want me to talk to your parents?’ Mum asks, but Will immediately shakes his head. Tori tenses. I can feel it, and I think I understand why. Kit’s father drinks, as far as I understand it, and even though I don’t think Tori’s mum would ever hit her children, it’s still the alcohol that breaks everything.
Tori, who never drinks. Tori who spent the night of the New Year Ball taking care of me because I was so hammered I can barely remember a thing. Just her face, blurrily, her in my bed.
Once I get back to my room, I lie there, staring at the wall. It’s late, dark, quiet. But my mind is racing, because too much has happened today. Rehearsing with Eleanor, getting a hard-on was embarrassing; having sex with Tori, and not lasting even a minute, was way more embarrassing.
What’s wrong with me? What the fucking hell is wrong with me?
She had condoms. Either she knew before I did where everything was heading or . . . she’s just always prepared, on principle. I feel so stupid when I think about the act I put on to everyone. Buying condoms at Irvine’s with Henry and Gideon, then keeping them in my locker at the sports centre, like I’m ever going to use them. Instead, I’m just happy for Henry to use them before they go out of date and I have to face the fact that I’m a pathetic loser. It’s all one huge joke. In my off-stage life, I’ve only ever kissed one woman and that’s Tori. I wouldn’t change that, or maybe I would, just so I wouldn’t be that loser with no clue.
I don’t know how often Tori and Val had sex but I feel an urgent need to find out so that I can compare myself unfavourably with him. I’ll bet he could keep his dick inside her longer than thirty seconds without coming right away. I’ve spent an unhealthy amount of time imagining everything that could go wrong the first time, but I didn’t think of that.
It was still nice.
Nice.
I don’t want Tori to find sex with me nice. Well, I do, of course. I want her to feel safe. But I also want her to come so often and so hard that she doesn’t know who she is any more. Or does that kind of thing only happen in films? Why don’t I have a big brother I could ask?
Henry . . . Shit. I’m going to have to ask Henry. Wow. But I’ve got no choice.
I want to get it right. Like Val presumably did. God, I don’t want to think about Tori lying beneath him, arching her neck, arching her back. What did he say when she came? Her name? Some fucked-up stuff? Is she into dirty talk? Jeez, it feels like I should know this stuff about my best friend, but at the same time, Ihaveto know. I have to find everything out so that it’ll be good next time. Not nice. Good. Seriously good.
Why couldn’t I manage it?
I shut my eyes.
