I want to shut my eyes, and at the same time, I don’t want to. We keep moving, he reaches between his legs. I dig my fingers into his shoulders, hear his heavy breathing and my thundering heart. And then he’s suddenly deep inside me. It’s true – it does hurt, quite a lot in fact, and not just for a moment. So much so that I have to remind myself to keep breathing.
‘Are you OK?’ Charlie whispers, stopping.
‘Yes.’
Relax.
Exhale.
It’s working. I can feel it getting easier, the pain easing. Charlie waits until I nod, then he withdraws slightly and presses into me again. Deeper this time. Very deep. I didn’t know there was so much room in there. His hands rub over my sides and then it hits me.
We’re having sex.
We’re sleeping together.
I can feel him right into my belly. His trembling, his movements. I groan as he moves faster and I have to cling to him. His hot breath on my collarbone, my fingers in his T-shirt. Firm muscles beneath my hands, my legs, his belly on my bellywhen he thrusts really deep into me. Yeah,thrusts. Charlie is actually thrusting. Firmer, faster, as I whimper his name.
He’s not being cautious any more, he’s rough and I’d never have thought I’d like that so much. I didn’t know he could. That he canbelike this. There’s barely any strength in my legs, but I press against him, arch my back, closer, I need him closer.
‘Tori.’ He shuts his eyes, his hand is close to my head, his arms are shaking. ‘I have to . . .’
He wants to pull back; I won’t let him. His muscles are as hard as stone, his whole body is shaking. I grab his hair, I kiss him, I whisper his name, and then he groans. Throatily, deep, inside my mouth. I feel dizzy. He leans his head back, his mouth open. His eyes are closed, his eyebrows contracted. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything more beautiful.
When it’s over, he softens. First his face, then his whole body, the weight of which I only remember when he sinks onto me.
26
SINCLAIR
I always thought I’d have so much to think about once it finally happened. Do I look good, am I doing this right? Do I need to move more, less, faster? God knows, but now, in this moment, my head is surprisingly empty. Everything just happens. Yes, it’s awkward and sometimes I don’t know where to put my hands and legs, but all in all, it could be worse.
It’s like a dream. Tori under me, her hot skin, her soft belly. She wraps her legs around me and lifts herself towards me. At first, we were still kissing but I can’t kiss now. Even breathing is hard. I can only move with Tori and she’s so hot and tight and . . . Fuck. I clench my fists beside her head but nothing helps. She moves, I move, she lifts her hips, I lift my hips. Pull back, slide into her, slowly, again, slowly, again, then faster, deeper. Until our hips are locked together and a muffled sound from her lips reaches into my mouth. She digs her fingers into my shoulders, she presses her thigh against mine and, God, the scent of her. Her sweat, her trembling.
‘Tori, I have to . . .’ I pant and I want to pull back but she’s holding me tight. Her eyes are brown, her cheeks are red. She’s perfect.
‘Charlie,’ she whispers, and she kisses me.
And I come. There’s nothing I can compare it to. I’m inside her. I can feel everything, everything all at once. Her fingers on my neck as I arch my head back and have to shut my eyes before I collapse onto her. She’s not moving. She’s lying beneath me, quietly. I can feel her pounding heart.
‘Fuck,’ I whisper.
Thirty seconds, it can’t possibly have lasted any longer.Fuck, how embarrassing.
She strokes my hair but doesn’t say anything. I have to sit up. Now. But my muscles don’t want to.
‘Shit, I’m sorry.’ It’s still hard to breathe.
‘That’s OK,’ she says. ‘It was still nice.’
Nice . . .Nice.Fucking shit.
I feel so hot, but now it’s hot shame in my cheeks. I pull out of her and roll onto my side.
Tori lifts her head as her phone rings. At that moment, I realize what we’ve done.
We’vedone it. In her bed. My first time and she didn’t even come close to an orgasm because I’d finished before I could even ask her if she liked it.
Tori avoids my eyes. Her phone is still ringing. ‘Maybe I should . . .’ she says, not looking at me.
