Chapter Eleven
Serena
I'm not sure why I pick up the phone to call my mom bright and early the following morning. Maybe because I need to talk to the only person on the planet capable of reminding me that I'm not as crazy as I feel. In a strange way, my mom is that person.
When I listen to her rant and rave and obsess about my dad, I realize that whatever drama I have going on isn't nearly as bad as it could be. I could still be heartbroken over a man who hurt me twenty years ago.
I need that clarity right now, more than ever. I feel wrecked in the worst way, so much so that I don't even want to leave the bed.
Austin didn't stay over last night. He just walked me to my door, kissed my cheek, told me to deal with my shit, and then left.
I'm not sure if he even wants me at his game tonight or not. Right now, I don't know much of anything.
Actually, that's not true. I know I cried most of the night last night. I know I regret not saying it back. And I know I'm scared as hell that maybe last night was the last time I'll ever see him. Maybe he decided he was over my shit.
The thought kills me.
He's the only person I've ever wanted to try for…and I think I might have ruined it.
"Hey, Mom," I whisper as soon as she answers.
"Hey, sweetie!" She sounds surprised. "Is everything okay?"
I cringe, twirling a string around my finger. Of course she would ask. It's not like I make a habit of calling her often or anything. Honestly, I avoid talking to her and my dad unless strictly necessary. It's healthier that way.
"Um, yeah," I lie. "I just…wanted to check in, see how you're doing."
"Well, I'm fine, Serena. Why wouldn't I be?"
"No reason. It was just a question."
She's quiet for a moment. "I saw your dad out with that new woman of his again. Honestly, you'd think he'd have grown up by now. I mean, she's practically your age!"
"Mom," I say quietly.
"It's embarrassing. He has no shame. None at all."
"Mom!" I shout, trying to get her attention.
"What?" she yells back, and I cringe.
"Sorry, I just…I don't really want to hear about Dad and his flavor of the week right now, okay?"
"Don't take that tone with me, Serena," she snaps. "You may have forgotten what your father did to us, but I didn't."
My patience wears thin. He didn't do it to us. He did it to her, but she's never understood that.
"How could I forget when I was the rope in your tug-of-war my whole life?" I ask instead of trying to make her see reason.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Mom snaps, her tone full of offense.
"It means…" I sigh. "Maybe it means I'm tired of doing this every single time I call. Have you ever asked yourself why I moved halfway across the country? Or why I never come home? Or call? It's because of this!" I cry, frustrated. "When I'm with you, all I hear about is every single thing he does wrong. When I'm with him, all I hear about is every single thing you do wrong. I feel like I don't have parents. I have two people who use me to vent their hatred for each other. He cheated on you, Mom. And it sucks. I'm sorry. You have every right to be angry about it. You have every right to be hurt and to never forgive him for it. But I'm so damn tired of letting it ruin my life the same way it's ruined yours."
"Well," Mom huffs into the phone, and I hate that I'm hurting her feelings, but maybe that's what has to be done. Maybe it's what I should have done a long time ago.
"Do you know I met a great guy? He's everything I could have ever imagined, but I'm so fucking scared to let myself love him because you and Dad fucked me up so much, I'm not even sure I know what love is. I'm tired of feeling that way," I whisper, tears welling in my eyes. "I'm tired of feeling like I don't deserve love because I'll just end up like you guys. I'm tired of carrying your crap. I just want to carry my own for once!"
My mom is silent for so long, I think maybe she hung up on me. Honestly, I wouldn't blame her. As far as deliveries go, there are probably ninety gentler ways to go about making the same point, but I've tried being gentle. I've tried being patient. I've tried being understanding and kind. I've tried being the loving daughter.
