Their eyes met, and Noah’s lip quivered as he said, “Then again, I fucked the president of the frat that night using a dildo his ex-girlfriend left in his room, so maybe I paid my dues after all.”
James had to put down the memory book to cover his face in laughter.
After they finished the baskets, they poured themselves a second glass of wine and reviewed how James was going to decorate Leon’s apartment. They gathered a small mound of decorations and, with Noah’s help, packed them in one of his mom's many tote bags to bring over to Leon’s house. There was almost another whole bag of unused decorations left, so, with wine glasses in hand, James and Noah wandered around the house, hanging, placing, and arranging the new decorations for his mom to enjoy with Linda and Howard tomorrow.
When James hesitated to text Leon, Noah took charge and texted Aspen, then sent the plan to the group chat. James checked in with Leon separately to make sure it was okay for him to decorate Leon’s house. With a simple warning to make sure Yarmen didn’t get tangled up or try to eat anything, James had the green light for his plan.
“Do you want to watch a movie? Or I have an Xbox and a few board games lying around somewhere.”
“Monopoly?” Noah asked, a new gleam entering his eyes as James racked his memory.
“Yeah, I think I can find that.”
After nearly three hours of testing every facet of their newly formed friendship, James somehow won. Noah had drunk the rest of the wine, and with pink cheeks and a slightly unfocusedgaze, he demanded a rematch next week, but with Aspen and Leon present to make sure “you aren’t somehow influencing the dice.”
Since Noah had done him such a huge favor, and because he was now carrying a small ball of warmth for Noah in his belly along with the ones for his mom, Leon, and Aspen, James paid for Noah’s rideshare back to his place across town. He put away the game and tidied up the kitchen as he waited for his mom to get back from her date with Linda, so he could show her the new decorations.
“Your dad never really liked Valentine's Day,” she said twenty minutes later, as she straightened one of the paintings Noah had draped with cut-out paper hearts. “I think it’s really sweet that your friends care so much about you and Leon’s day.”
That ball in his stomach bounced around like it was in an out-of-control pinball machine. There was one thing he hadn’t told Noah, not wanting to saddle him with any more worries after unloading on him about the baskets. James wasn’t sure he wanted to burden his mom with it either. He’d spent years silently carrying anxieties and fears that kept him awake at night. It never felt fair to make his mom carry not only her worries, but his as well.
As he sat at his childhood table, which still bore the scars of years' worth of meals they’d shared together, he took a chance.
“Sometimes I’m afraid I’m not good enough for him. That he won’t actually want me long-term. That I’m not worth it.”
His mom reached out and placed her hand on top of his. “I know you know this, but as your mom, and the person who chose your father to begin with, it's my job to remind you that Leon is not him.”
James let out a shaky breath. “That’s not…”
His words trailed off at his mom’s no-nonsense look.
“That’s notentirelyit,” James said, searching for the words to make her understand. “I know that he didn’t leave because of me.”
She squeezed his hand. “Correct.”
“But…he didn’t stay because of me, either.”
“Oh, honey–”
“No, it’s okay, I…I don’t wish that he’d stayed. He was okay as a dad when I was growing up, but as soon as I became my own person and started showing who I really was, we never had anything to talk about or connect over. I think maybe it’s possible he loved me, in his own way, but at the end of the day, I’m glad he left. Our lives have been so much better because of it, but I guess…” He chewed on his lip, and his mom waited patiently for him to untangle his thoughts. “I guess, I’m just afraid that in opening up to Leon the past few months, and showing him who I really am, that maybe…maybe I’m not worth staying for.”
Okay, so maybe itwasa little about his dad after all. Ugh.
His mom smiled softly at him, with just a hint of indulgence. He could remember her giving him that smile when he was a toddler, and he would bang his little toddler spoon against the table, as if he were playing drums. He traced his thumb over one of the small dents in the table left by that spoon.
“It makes sense for you to be scared,” she said. “You’re taking a big step tomorrow and making yourself really vulnerable. The only way we can grow and experience love that will finally heal those scared parts of us is by taking that chance, though.”
James stared at their joined hands. “Has that happened with you, Howard, and Linda?”
“It has,” she said, without even an ounce of hesitation. “I did a lot of healing on my own, of course, as I know you have, too. But taking that chance with each of them has laid those fears torest once and for all. Even if things don’t work out in the end, I feel stronger now.”
She looked stronger, too. Her shoulders were back, and her head was held high in a way he hadn’t seen in years.
“I’m so glad,” James said, tears burning the back of his throat as he wondered if he was somehow going to disappoint his mom, too, if he messed up tomorrow.
She studied him, and finally, after what felt like an eternity, she patted his hand. “I know you’re going to do what feels right for you tomorrow, but remember it’s not your one and only chance. Howard kept shooting his shot over and over with me until finally our feelings clicked.”
James gaped at her. “Who taught you the phrase ‘shooting your shot’?”
