We stayed in the bathtub for a while, and we talked about the project, how the boys are adjusting to Tacoon, and how she is feeling. I don’t even recognize us anymore. But this is good except for the fact that I’ve had a hard on for almost an hour sitting in this tub with her. But it’s worth it. I get up, grab two towels, and help her out of the tub.
We wander to the living room, sit on the couch, and talk about everything, like we’re the best friends in the whole wide world. We finished our second bottle of wine in no time. Between bad jokes and childhood memories,time passes quickly. After a while, she falls asleep wrapped around one of the blankets on the sofa. Her breath evens out quickly, soft against my skin. She’s gone, out cold.
Me? Not so much. I lie there, staring at the ceiling like it has answers for me. I love her. That’s not new, and that’s not the question. What’s new is having her like this. I could get used to having this. And that’s fucking dangerous.
I need to talk to Hannah. I can’t keep doing this to either of them.
At some pointthrough the night, we made it to the bedroom. I haven’t slept with her in a while. But as much as I want, I can’t stay here any longer. She might be mad at me when she wakes up, but I can’t stay. It’s already 6:10 a.m. when I gather my things, get dressed up quickly, and leave her a note ‘Had a great night, but had to run. -8E’
Funny how my mind just remembered that we used to say ‘8’ instead of ‘I love you’ when we first started. We were both afraid to say it, so we thought using a number would make it easier.
That was a nice touch.
Hannah called on my way home. It’s way too early there, which can mean only two things. That she neverwent to bed or that she couldn’t sleep. “Hey Hannah, it’s early. Everything okay?”
“I just got home, so it’s late for me.” I knew it. I’m not going to fight about this. I know that she can be mad at me, but she’s a great mother, and I bet my life right now that the girls are safe and sound at home. “And before you ask, the girls are with the nanny. I asked her to stay the night.” Yep, knew it.
“Wasn’t going to ask. I know you.” She sighs on the other line. “Well, since you know me so well, then you know I called because we need to talk, and I’ve been thinking about some things.” Which is code to ‘I’ve been drinking, and I want to fight about everything.’
“Okay, go on.” Here we go.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe it’s best we take some space. While you’re in Tacoon, I mean.” I just got home, but I don’t want to come inside and have this conversation with everyone eavesdropping, and by everyone, I mean Maggie. I sit down on the porch steps. “Okay, what does that mean?”
She exhales way louder than she is supposed to. “We keep fighting. About everything. About Olivia, your new job, project, whatever. About the girls. The fact that you don’t want another kid. I don’t feel like I know you anymore.”
“I know, it’s been a rough couple of months,” I say, but she just keeps talking.
“I’m not asking for anything permanent. I think you need time. And maybe I do too.” Now I’m the one who’sexhaling dramatically. “So, what does that mean? For us?”
“It means for the next month, let’s keep it about the girls. I’ll try to give you some space, while I take some as well.” There’s a long pause. “You still love me?” She asks.
“I do”, my reply comes instant, steady, because it’s true. I love her; she’s the mother of my kids, she’s been my wife for years, and my friend. There’s love here. “But I don’t think you love me the way you love her.” She says, almost a whisper. I close my eyes. “I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to, Ethan. I know you—we have love for each other—but lately, love hasn't been enough. I know you won't be selfish enough to ask me for anything, so I’m giving it to you. The space, the freedom, the whatever you want to call it.” I don't even know what to say. I know we’ve been fighting, I know she’s not 100% happy, but I never thought she would ask or offer this.
“Hannah, look, I love you, and I want to—” She interrupts me. “Don’t, don’t treat me like a fool. I know you love me, but I need some space too. I told you I didn’t want to be your consolation prize, and that’s how I’ve been feeling lately.”
“You’re not that.” She is not, but I can’t keep lying to her. “Hannah, I—, yes, I love her, and she is going through a divorce right now, and I’m here, and she is here, and I?—”
“And you want to be with her…”, I cut her off and said, “And I want to be here for her. Look, I’m trying here…”
“Are you? Really trying?” She sounds pissed now,hurt. “I am. If this is what you want, what you feel like you need, then okay,” She sighs but says, “Yes, I need to focus on me, because I can’t keep waiting around for my husband to fall out of love with his girlfriend.”
Oh, fuck she is pissed.
“Hannah, stop! She was my girlfriend, now she is just a friend.” I’m lying to her, to myself. Liv is not just my friend; she is so much more. I was just in bed with her for fucks sake.
“Okay, Ethan, let’s say she is your friend, and you want to be there for her. So go, be there for her. You have a month to figure things out, and I’ll take this month to focus on myself. If you want, I can fly the girls out there, and you can have them for the two weeks we were supposed to go there, but I’ll stay here.”
I don’t even know what to say. She sounds so determined, and I should feel okay with this; I should have peace of mind right now. I should feel free, but I don’t. Because while Olivia and I spend the night together, I know what she thinks and how she feels.
“Hannah, I—”, she stops me again. “Ethan, I’ve made my decision, the one that I believe is the best for us. I love you, and you are my whole life, but I’m not yours. Take this month, clear your head, I won’t ask questions.”
We end the call gently, I accept her terms, and we say our goodbyes.
I text Agnes a quick recap and ask her to check in on Hannah. She replies instantly.
Agnes: Got it. Take care of yourself, too, idiot.
