Unwanted.Unloved. Unfixable.
I stare at my plate as the warmth in my lower stomach fades, cooling into something entirely different—a familiar emptiness that curls inside me, staking its claim. Discomfort rolls through me in waves, making me shiver despite the warmth of the evening.
The only thing that could bring back the heat is killing someone. I try to focus on that thought, silently weighing the options.
Waitress or family. The second would take more time, and the first deserves it more.
So much more.
“Do you think I have a home?” I ask, steering the conversation back to me.
He pauses, chewing his food, eyes drifting upward as if the answer is etched across the sky. “You have a nice place here,” he says finally. “Feels like you put a lot of effort into it. I’d call it a home.”
“My, my,” I tease. “You seem like a romantic.”
He lets out a choked laugh, leaning his elbows on the table and rubbing his palms together. “What made you think that?”
“I just feel some things,” I murmur, letting the laziness drape over the words. “It’s hard to explain. Besides, you spent thewhole day exploring me instead of the city, like I’m some fucking succubus.”
“I don’t think I’m a romantic,” he says as the blush returns to his face. I wonder if he reacts like this only with me.
“Oh, come on.” I roll my eyes. “It wasyouridea to come here.”
“Because we were starving, Estella,” he replies, trying to sound nonchalant, yet failing miserably.
I wave him off. “We could’ve gone to McDonald’s or literally anywhere else. You didn’t even ask mewhereI wanted to go. I saw you glued to your phone, hunting for the ‘best’ spot. Look around.” I circle a finger around the restaurant. “It’s fucking romantic in here, and youwantedit that way.”
He laughs, and I fidget in my chair like a child caught in wonder. There’s something magnetic about the sound of his laugh—light, effortless, but threaded with a shadow I can’t ignore. Surface-level darkness, maybe. But still, it’s intriguing.
“Guilty,” he finally admits, raising his hands in surrender. “I just thought we needed a nice place to relax.”
I mess up my paella with my fork, arranging mussels as eyes and green peas as a mouth, creating a ridiculous smiley face. Pride swells despite the absurdity.
“So how come a romantic like you doesn’t have a girlfriend?” I ask.
He hesitates, clearly caught off guard, then clears his throat and straightens in his chair. “I had. One.”
I roll my eyes, disbelief curling through me. Leaning back slightly, I glance at the smiley face I made, enjoying the little triumph of it. “One?”
He takes a sip of his water before he continues. “One true love. I thought it was mutual, but apparently, it wasn’t. You can’t build anything when you’re the only one with feelings.”
“And you just let her go?”
“Had to.”
I wait, pressing for more, my patience fraying. The sensation that he hides something behind this simple story gnaws at me. “Meaning?”
“She died. Motorcycle accident.”
I nod to myself, taking a moment to read him. He can say whatever he wants, but I catch the blank stare in his eyes. It’s as if he knows he should miss her, mourn her, no matter how much time has passed—yet something inside him refuses.
Still, there seems to be even more to it than meets the eye. A twinge of something I can’t name surges through me, memories of my parents flashing unbidden. Part of me wants to tell him I understand, that I know this feeling.
But I can’t. Something grips my tongue, locking it in place. Heat rises in my blood, and I glare at him instead, relishing the faint discomfort in his posture. It’s not pain from the past—he felt thatwhenit happened. Now it’s only the residue, a hollow echo of what once was, and he’s unsettled by his own insufficient grief.
I inhale sharply, lungs expanding until my chest aches. A faint crack echoes somewhere inside, sending a shiver of satisfaction along my spine. My hand trembles as I hold the fork, gripping it tighter than necessary to keep it from clattering against the table.
“How does it taste?” I ask, nodding toward his plate. The sudden shift in topic seems to startle him.
