“And then? Back into the system to try again. Maybe they’ll get a nice safe home next time, but maybe they won’t. Maybe it’ll be worse. It’s anyone’s guess.”
“I know. It’s shitty, but is this the answer?”
“Can you think of a better one?”
I open my mouth but fall silent. Relying on the system is how he ended up here.
“Have you considered…” I pause, hesitating to say what I’m about to, but I push through. “Maybe you shouldn’t be in this profession anymore?”
His jaw ticks. “I’ve thought about it. I wouldn’t know as much as I do, but then what?”
“You find something else. Some other way to live. You’ve been lucky up to now. You could quit while you’re ahead.”
He nods, staring off into the distance.
“Maybe you could volunteer for victims, or something where you would be less intimately involved.” I finally reach out and put my hand over his, and he meets my eyes. “You can’t keep doing this. Even if you get away with it legally, it’s eventually going to eat you up. I’d venture to guess this secret is what keeps you from getting close to people.”
He nods as his eyes fill with tears. He turns to face me. “I don’t know how to stop. It feels good.”
I take a deep breath. “Sexually good?”
Van flinches, pulling his head back. “No. I’m not a fucking sicko. Not that kind of good.”
“Sorry. I’m just trying to understand.”
“I don’t get off on killing people, Nan. It feels good in the sense of doing something. I feel like a goddamn hero knowing those assholes can never hurt anyone again. Those victims can sleep better at night knowing the boogeyman is dead. I found the monster under the bed and slayed it. When everyone else failed them, I didn’t.”
Maybe I’m losing my grip on reality, or maybe the dick is just that good, but I kind of agree with him.
“I get it, Van. I do.”
“Do you?”
“I do. In a weird way, you do this because your heart is so big. Your need for justice is strong.” I squeeze his hand. “But what will you do if your luck runs out? It would ruin your life.”
“I know. Every time, I tell myself that’s the last one, I won’t do it again. But then I hear a story like Alex Fetterman and I can’t let it go. I don’t know how. I can’t go to a therapist about it.”
“Don’t you have doctor-patient confidentiality?”
“Sure, but I don’t want to burden someone with that. It’s hard enough telling you. Now you know what I am. Can you still feel the same about me?”
The answer slowly bubbles up within me, spreading like warm water. “Yes. You’re still the amazing man I know. You’re still my friend.”
“Could you ever see me as more than that?”
“More than a friend?”
He nods. “I’ve missed you. I didn’t even know how much.” He scoots closer, putting his hand on my ankle while we sit on the bed. “I’ve found a whole new side of myself because of you. Because of the safety you provide. You’ve always been that for me. I don’t think I can go back to the way my life was before this trip.”
“Van…”
“I promise to stop. I’ll figure it out. You’re a good reason to stop.”
“Are you saying you want a relationship with me? A romantic one?”
He looks slightly panicked for a second before his features relax and he smiles. “Shit. I guess I am. I wasn’t planning to ask because, you know, what I am, but I can’t imagine not feeling like this anymore.”
That’s it. This is a dream. A weird-ass post-dick dream. Or maybe the dicking down was part of the dream too and none of this is actually happening. I’ll wake up alone and horny and Vanian will be sleeping in the guest room, unaware of my unhinged fantasies.
