“Sorry. That was supposed to stay an inside thought.”
“Why?”
Vanian shrugs. “I don’t know. It just seems fruitless to say things like that out loud. We both know I have to go home at some point.”
As his words linger, I try to make sense of them. “Is there some reason you wouldn’t want to?”
He scoffs, leaning his head back and gazing up at the ceiling. “That’s a dumb question, Nan.”
“Is it? Just because you’ve had an awakening of sorts doesn’t mean I would assume it’s more than just some experimental fun for you. That’s kind of how it goes with straight guys.”
Vanian gives me a hard look. “Is that all you think I am? Just some random straight guy getting his kicks?”
Yes?
“Listen, I know we grew apart, but obviously, the connection we always had never faded. I have every intention of keeping you in my life from now on. You’re not just experimental fun for me. Frankly, it kind of stings to hear you say that.”
“I’m sorry, Vanian. I didn’t mean it like that. Maybe it’s just my self-preservation kicking in.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t want to get hurt, okay? I don’t want to lose you again.”
Understanding settles in his eyes and he nods. “Right. You think I’m going to hurt you.”
“Not on purpose, but I think you might unintentionally. I’m a gay man, Vanian. I have the capacity to fall in love and have a relationship with a man.”
“And you think I don’t?”
“Two days ago you were a hundred percent straight. It’s not unreasonable to think you might not shift to actually dating men because you got off with one once. Be for real.”
Vanian opens his mouth, then snaps it shut before rising to his feet and crossing the room to look out the front picture window. I’m worried I hurt his feelings, but I’ve got more experience with this topic, and it’s only fair to be honest.
“You’ve been hurt,” he says, calmly and softly. “And you could forget those past hurts, but not if it were me. We’d lose what we have now.”
“Exactly.”
“So you don’t mind fucking around, but you’ll keep your heart out of it. You’ll keep me at arm’s length, just in case.”
It sounds so harsh, but it’s the truth, so I simply nod in acknowledgment.
“Okay.” Vanian exhales slowly. “I understand. I got way ahead of myself. I just assumed that…” His words trail off as he shakes his shoulders out. “We’re good.”
“Are we?”
“Yeah. Even if we had a chance for more, I wouldn’t make a good partner for you. Or anyone, honestly.”
“That’s a ridiculous thing to say. You’re a catch.”
“You don’t actually know that. You’re basing it on your image of me from when I was a teen and two days of knowing me as an adult. You don’t really know me anymore.”
He has a point. “Fair, but usually if someone is a total asshole, that would show up pretty quickly.”
“I didn’t say I was an asshole.” He crosses the room and sits next to me again. “I said I wouldn’t make a good partner. My life is more complicated than you’d think.”
“How? I’m not trying to sell myself here, but I would like to understand why you think that.”
Vanian drags his gaze away and focuses on his hands resting in his lap. “It’s not something I can really explain.”
