Despite the drugs I’m on, that barrier between me and my emotions is wide open, leaving me vulnerable to the thoughts swirling around in my head. Totally unable to sleep.
I hadn’t done it for ages.
It developed over time as a coping mechanism to the pain but Lindsey and the guys helped me see how dangerous it was. But that feeling I got when I remembered the accident…it sent me straight back down to that dark pit where I could shut down those demons and race back up to the surface.
It scares me—not feeling anything. But my demons scare me more.
“Butterfly?” Luc murmurs, kissing the inside of my neck.
I don’t answer him so he tries again. “Come on, Rory. I don’t want to fight with you about this.”
He’s not sorry. He doesn’t even know what he’s done wrong.
“Rory,” Luc sighs, “I know how much easier it is to just not remember—to not feel when it gets hard but it does more bad than good.”
I pull out of his arms and get out of bed, being careful not to wake anyone. Luc follows me out of the hospital room in the hallway. I keep walking until we’re far enough away that we don’t wake any other patients.
Feeling exhausted, I lean back against a wall.
I interrupt him when he starts to speak. “Don’t you think I don’t know that?”
Luc’s face doesn’t give anything away so I keep going. “Don’t you think I know how bad it is? I haven’t done it for sixmonths—the last time being when I couldn’t deal with the pain during one of my impromptu beatings. I don’t give a shit that you called me out on it. Honestly, I’m glad you did!”
Luc starts in confusion, “Then why–”
Finally I can’t take it anymore. “Because you kissed me!” I have to remember I’m in a hospital and lower my voice.
I hiss, “You used my feelings for you against me.”
It seems to hit him why I’m so upset with him.
“Rory,” Luc starts, pain in his eyes.
“No, just–just stop,” I finally tell him, holding up my shaky hand. Luc stops his advance towards me. Anguish swirls in those green irises, illuminated by the light above us.
“You took advantage of my feelings and used them to get your own way—tomanipulateme,” I tell him. “We’re supposed to talk about things like adults. If you’d just talked to me,helped me,I would have come out of it myself. You weren’t supposed to–” I have to stop when emotion overtakes me.
Through my tear filled eyes, I see Luc rush towards me. I swallow and cast my gaze away when his hands slide to the back of my thighs, lifting me up. My legs subconsciously wrap around him.
“Rory, baby, I’m sorry,” Luc murmurs, his tone pleading with me. “It scared me to see you like that. I know what that empty feeling is like and I hate that things were bad enough that you experienced it. I didn’t think about it but you’re right, I could have handled it better. I shouldn’t have kissed you like that.” Luc apologises profusely.
“This is exactly what I was afraid of, Luc.” I swipe at the tears pooling. “That one of you would get jealous and kiss meor tell me you love me just to one up the rest. Not because you actually mean it.”
“That’s not why I did it.” Luc shakes his head.
“I know that but look how easily you just did it!” A spark of anger bursts up inside me. “You didn’t kiss me because youwantedto kiss me, you did it to prove a fucking point.”
“No, Rory,” Luc says sternly. “That’s where you’re wrong.” My back is pressed against the wall.
Anyone else would be scared of being pinned against a wall byThe Slayerbut not me.
“Yes, I used the kiss to pull you out of it,” Luc admits, lowering his mouth until it’s an inch from mine, “and yes, I shouldn’t have done that. That blankness in your eyes scared the shit out of me. I was terrified that this might not have been the first time you’ve done it with us and I just hadn’t noticed. But if you think I didn’twantto kiss you, thenthat’swhere you’re wrong because every damn time I look at you, I have to fight from kissing the fuck out of you, Rory.”
By the time Luc finishes he’s breathing heavily. There’s a crazed, desperate emotion in his eyes.
His forearms are pressed against either side of my head. His body and my legs wrapped around his waist are the only things keeping me from melting into a puddle on the floor.
Those green eyes pierce into my soul.
