Chapter 23
Harry says he wants me now.Wants to marry me.What I want is to trust him again.To believe him.I want to be able to throw myself in his arms and know that I will be safe there forever.
He asks for my forgiveness, and while I can forgive him many things, I cannot forgive him for one thing—the thing that prevents me from accepting him and trusting him.
Of course, he hasn’t exactly apologized for that yet, has he?I wonder if I would feel differently if he ever did.
~From the diary of Lady Fiona MacKintosh—May 1895
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“How was it?”Ilonaasked excitedly as they rendezvoused at a nearby pavilion outside the Indian bazaar.Everywhere Fiona looked, booths and small shops overflowed with Indian clothes, scarves, and décor in vibrant colors.
However, Fiona saw none of it as her thoughts were consumed by the man at her side.“It was...enlightening.”
Aylesbury snorted.“With a view.You would have enjoyed it, Mrs.MacKintosh.Things can become very clear at such an altitude.Shall we have a drink?Colin?Sean?”
Hooking her arm around Fiona’s, Ilona gave her a squeeze as they trailed behind the men.“Whatever is going on between you and Aylesbury?Did something happen?”
“Nothing,” Fiona answered.“Why would you ask?”
“No reason.You just seemed happier before you got on the ride.”
“We talked.It was a long talk,” she admitted, watching Aylesbury’s back as he walked away from her, just as he had once before.“I know I’m being a fool, Ilona.But I feel that I would be an even greater fool if I trusted him again.”
“Trust that is lost is always the hardest to earn again,” Ilona said quietly.“But if you want a future with him...”
Fiona shook her head.“I abandoned those hopes long ago, and I have no desire to be his consolation prize after all this time.No, my plans have not changed one whit.I will marry—if not Lord Ramsay, someone else—and move on from there.”
“Consolation prize?”
“He loved Moira.”
Ilona flicked the words away with a wave of her hand.“Pish posh!If he ever truly did, I’ll eat my hat.That new one with the purple flowers I love so much.I would wager I love that hat more than Aylesbury loved Moira.”
“Nonsense, he still cares for her,” she protested.“You can’t deny that.”
Tilting her head to the side, Ilona considered the matter.“No, I don’t suppose I can.But he’s not in love with her.Any fool can see that.Why, he treats her like a sister.”
That prompted a reluctant laugh from Fiona.“He claims she’s more like a distant cousin.”
“You’ve discussed this then?”
“Yes.”Fiona sighed, “Oh, Ilona!He says he wants to marry me.Now.After all this time.What should I do?”
“Do you love him?”
She shook her head stubbornly.She couldn’t admit it.Not to Ilona.Not even to herself.To do so would open her heart to a world of hurt if Harry ever changed his mind.
