My phone lights up and starts buzzing on the coffee table for the eightieth time today. It’s a FaceTime call from Harrison, who I’m sure has gathered the rest of the family to find out how my big proposal went. I ignore it and have another few more gulps of my boozy smoothie. With any luck, I’ll be completely drunk by the time the second set of commercials roll.
“I don’t think they’re going to stop calling. Do you want me to answer and let them know what happened?” he asks.
“Sure, I don’t really care.” That’s not true. I absolutely care. I’ve been avoiding the call because somehow, telling my family makes the whole thing feel like it’s actually happening. And if it’s actually happening, I’m going to have to feel things I don’t want to, like pain and anger and, well, a whole bunch of other sappy things that men like me don’t experience.
Dwight swipes the screen. “Hello, family,” he says, aiming for an upbeat tone.
“You?” I hear Rosy’s voice. “Where’s my Cuddle Bear?”
“Right here,” he says.
Out of the corner of my eye, I can tell he’s aiming the phone at me, but I won’t look. Instead, I keep my eyes glued to the telly.
I hear Harrison’s voice next. “Uh-oh. Is that a boozy smoothie? Straight from the carton?”
“I’m afraid so,” Dwight says, sounding grave.
Emma says, “I take it things didn’t go as planned last night.”
“Quite the opposite, I’m afraid,” Dwight says.
I decide it’s time to interject. “It’s not a big deal, I’m already over it, and I’m pretty sure I can return the ring because it’s been less than a week.”
Dwight lowers his voice. “Yes, he didn’t want to do that today. He wasn’t quite ready.”
“I was just too busy,” I say, sounding defensive even in my own ears.
“Cuddle Bear, what happened?” Rosy asks. “I can’t believe that girl would have the nerve to say no to you.”
“Oh, I didn’t ask. It was over before I could get to that part,” I say, wiping the sticky, cold liquid off my chin. “It’s fine, really. It’s better to find out now than five kids from now. Although come to think of it, we only would’ve had two. It’s nobody’s fault. We’re just too different. You needn’t say anything bad about her.”
Dwight chimes in with, “Yes, I made that mistake earlier today. Not a good idea.”
“Is there any chance she’ll change her mind?” Harrison asks.
“Why does everyone assume she dumped me?” I ask, feeling very irritated.
“Well, it just seems rather obvious,” Emma says. “After all, it was only yesterday that you were comparing her to the sun and the moon and all of that, so it would be rather odd if you had suddenly changed your mind.”
“Also, the boozy smoothie is a bit of a tip-off,” Harrison adds.
“I did not compare her to the sun or the moon. Well, maybe the sun,” I say.Stupid falling in love. “But you needn’t worry because I’m never going to make that mistake again.”
“So, are you still going to compete in Greenland together or is that off too?” Emma asks.
“I don’t know,” I say, suddenly realizing we may have a bigger problem than I thought because if she doesn’t compete with me, the agreement I made with the network is kind of null and void, isn’t it? “It’s all pretty new, so imagine it’ll take a few days to sort everything out.”
“No matter,” Rosy says. “If you need a partner, I’m sure Emma here would be up for it.”
“Oh,” Emma says, “That would be fun! Harrison, could you give me a couple of weeks off to go help out our little brother?”
“Sure,” Harrison says. “Anything, you need, Champ,” he adds, like the good father figure he is.
“I don’t think the network is going to let me choose,” I say. “But I’ll float the idea and see if they like it. Anyway, the show is on so I should go.”
“He means he needs us to shut up so he can continue torturing himself,” Dwight says as quietly as he can.
“I heard that. If you’d like to continue talking about me behind my back, please feel free to take the call with my family in the other room.”
