“Excellent,” she says. “Someone with your impeccable reputation and passion for philanthropy is always a welcome addition. But before we get started, I do need to ask about your upcoming reality television series. It’s… unusual for one of our ambassadors to take part in such a … thing.”
Flashes of Will and me doing it all over the jungle pop into my mind and I feel my face heating up. “Oh, yes, it was quite out of character for me as well, but I needed to do it, Malika. I had to test my mettle, you know?”
“Right, of course,” she says, scratching her head. “But um… is there anything we ought to be aware of before we announce you?”
“Nothing I can think of.” I shake my head with confidence, my mind flashing to me screaming strings of curse words as I drop from my helicopter. Oh, and screaming in ecstasy as well. So, generally lots of rather undignified screaming. “Really all pretty routine, I’d say, as far as jungle adventures go.”
Malika is giving me a hard look through the screen and based on the way her mouth is set tight, I’m pretty sure she’s already seen that footage of me shoving the showrunner, Dylan Sinclair, in the face and knocking her onto her arse in the mud as we crossed the finish line. I’m sure that little moment played on the news every hour for at least a week straight.
I clear my throat, a little too hot under my Smythe Duchess wool blazer. “It’s not a reality show, per se. It’s more of a nature documentary/adventure survivalist show. We were able to showcase some of the Congo’s vulnerable species such as the bonobos and… river otters.” They’re not vulnerable at all, to be honest. Turns out river otters are quite a rapey bunch, but I couldn’t come up with another example.
Hmph. She doesn’t look convinced. “Yes, but it would seem as though the network is billing it more on the tabloid television-side of things.”
I chuckle as though that’s the craziest thing I’ve heard, even though there is a very good chance that’s exactly what they’ve turned it into. “Oh my, no. Mr. Banks and I were utter professionals the entire time. If anything, I hope my performance in the jungle will be inspirational to women everywhere who believe themselves to be too weak to accomplish difficult, gritty tasks. Especially the last twenty-four hours where I had to overcome not only my fears, but was forced to stretch my physical capabilities to their limits in order to bring Mr. Banks to safety.” Ooh! That sounds good. I’ll have to remember that line for the press junket.
Malika stares at me for a moment, tapping her fingers on the table. “So, no reason for us to hold off on announcing you until after the show airs?”
I should just tell her the truth, which is that I’m really quite wild now and have no idea how bad they’re going to make me look. None whatsoever. But Ireallydon’t want to lose this opportunity. It’s literally the most important thing I’ll ever do in my life. Smiling sweetly, I say, “None that I can think of.”
“Well, excellent. Now that that’s sorted, let’s get down to business. You’ll find being a UN ambassador is likely going to be one of the greatest joys of your life. It’s vital work and also will afford you opportunities to travel to places you otherwise may not have seen and meet groups of women who are incredibly inspirational. We work at a fast pace and although it’s a significant time commitment, I don’t believe you’ll find it overwhelming, given your usual schedule. We’ll be holding a small conference in two weeks’ time in Vienna. From the twenty-fifth to the twenty-ninth. Do you think you can make it?”
Oh, yes! That sounds very important, doesn’t it? Attending aUNConference. I do my best not to look too thrilled. “I may have to move a few things around, but I’ll be there.”
The meeting goes on for another forty minutes. The entire time I oscillate between trying to focus on what she’s saying (and staying awake so as not to insult her) and wishing we weren’t on a video call so I could rest my eyes, just for a few quick seconds. It would feel so… floaty. Floating on a fluffy cloud in the warmth of the sun…
“Your Highness?! Are you asleep?”
I sit up straight in my chair, my eyes flying open. “No. Totally awake. I was … I’ve got something in my right eye, like a bit of dust. I was… trying to blink it out.”
“And the snoring sound?” she asks, glaring at me.
“Allergies.”
Shit.
3
Life with Chicken Little
Will
“Dwight,old buddy. How’s the world’s greatest agent?” I’m standing in front of the brick townhouse belonging to my extremely anxious manager, Dwight Anderson. His front garden is as neat as a pin, with not even one errant leaf on the perfectly trimmed grass. It’s a chilly autumn morning with crisp air telling me to get back on a plane and go straight home to the Caribbean.
“Not so good, Will. Not good at all. Where are you? I need to see you as soon as possible.”
“How about thirty seconds from now? Or however long it takes you to open your front door…”
“What?”
“I came straight from the airport.” Well, that’s notexactlytrue because I did stop at my cameraman Tosh’s place first, to see if I could stay with him, but it turns out he and my sound guy, Mac, are in Guadalajara right now filmingDeath in Paradise.Since they’ll be gone for months, he sublet his apartment, and Mac gave up his completely, which brings me here. “I stopped at Starbucks and got your favourite matcha green tea latte. You should let me in before it gets cold.”
“All right, what’s going on?” Dwight asks, his alarmist tendencies on high alert.
“Nothing. Everything’s fine. I have a small favour to ask. Well, maybe not afavourso much as a win-win situation. I’d like to offer you the rare opportunity to know where I am at all times over the next few weeks.”
Doesn’t that sound better than saying I’m desperately seeking somewhere to crash? There’s no way in hell he is going to want me to stay with him, by the way. This is also the last place I want to be, to be honest. I once rode in his car and wasn’t allowed to get in until he fitted some plastic down on the seat and I put little booties on over my shoes.
He opens the door and pockets his mobile phone. He’s already dressed in his suit, clearly ready to head out to work (which is perfect because I need a good nap). Crossing his arms, he says, “You figured you’d be staying at the palace and only just found out she’s not allowed overnight guests, didn’t you?”
