I clomp over to the stream and crouch down, plunging my hands into the water, but Will’s voice stops me. “Oh, don’t do that. We need to boil that first.”
“Obviously I wasn’t about to drink it. I only meant to splash some on my face.”
“That’s a total lie. I was definitely going to drink it,” I say, popping a crisp in my mouth.
“Don’t do that either,” Will says. “You could get a parasite in your nose or mouth, and it’ll be game over.”
I stand and shake my hands off, scowling.
“God, I look like a total brat, don’t I?” Glancing down at Dexter, I add, “Don’t answer that.”
“I can have our camp set up in about fifteen minutes, but it’ll be a good two to three hours until we can eat.”
“No. That can’t be right.” I take my backpack off and drop it, then crouch, unzip it, and start taking everything out. “We must have some protein bars or something. They wouldn’t have sent us out here to starve.”
“We’re not going to starve. We’re going to survive. Did you not understand the premise of the show?”
“Yeah, I got it, thank you,” I snap, scowling at him. “I’m just a bit hangry right now is all.”
“Well, the good news is we’re surrounded by vegetation and protein sources. Since the rhino beetles weren’t your thing, I’ll catch us some fish and dig up some wild yam tubers. In about three hours, we’ll be nice and full.”
I slump down onto a fallen log and let my body go limp. Tears fill my eyes and I shake my head. “Okay, forget it. I’m not meant for this. I give up. Just call the helicopter and have them come get me. I don’t want to do this anymore. I thought I wanted a great adventure, but this is not what I had in mind. You win. My brother wins. My father wins.”
I let one arm flail out to the side. “The entire staff at the palace—they all win. I am just a sheltered, spoiled, soft princess who has no business being out here whatsoever. I’m sorry I wasted your time and the time of the network, and I sincerely apologize to the People for Animals Society for losing the funding, but please, I must leave now.”
He holds his hand out to me and barks, “Get off that log. You’re about to be attacked by a colony of bullet ants.”
“Ouch! BEEP!”
I jump up, screaming, “Get them off me! Get them off me!!!!” while I run to Will.
He stops me with both hands, then brushes the ant off me while I continue to scream.
“It’s okay. It’s gone now.”
“No, it’s not okay,” I say, shaking my head wildly. “Just call them. Call them and get me out of here now! This is over. You were right. I was wrong. I can admit it, okay. I’ll go home and go back to giving tours to those hateful nonagenarians. It’s not that bad.”
“This is the worst moment. I promise it gets better from here.”
“No, it won’t,” I sob loudly. “I thought this was likeSurvivor—if something goes wrong, they always have people nearby to rescue them.”
“Survivor’sa game show. Have you not watchedThe Wild World?”
“I assumed you didn’t show the safety people,” I say, sniffling in a most undignified way.
“That’s because there aren’t any safety people,” he says, shaking his head. “What did you think the danger bonus was for?”
“I don’t know, to make the whole thing more dramatic?”
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no!” I plead to the screen, sitting up so suddenly, I startle Dex. I watch, utterly helpless as on the telly, I’m clicking my hiking boots together at the heels, saying, “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”
“Why?! Why couldn’t she have cut that out?” I shut my eyes tight and cover them with my hands as I hear myself go into a total nuclear meltdown.
“I’m sorry I did this. I never should’ve applied. I think maybe I’m having some sort of quarter-life crisis or something. I’ve just turned twenty-nine… which would mean I’m planning to live to be almost one-hundred and twenty. Maybe it’s a third-life crisis. Is that a thing?”
“Not sure,” Will says. “But the math sounds solid.”
He’s the voice of reason to my hysterical nut job.
