Oh, bugger. This is going to be just awful, isn’t it?
* * *
Yes, yes, it is. In fact, it is so much worse than I could have imagined. We’ve just come to the bit when Dylan blindsides me by announcing Arabella as my co-host, and we all sat here watching in silence as I take Dylan aside and say this little gem, “She’s going to be utterly useless out there. No, that’s inaccurate. She’ll beworsethan useless because I’m going to have toliterallycarry her through the jungle,” to which Dylan says,“It’ll give you a chance to test yourself in new ways—not just surviving but also keeping someone else alive.” I glare at her and say, “To what end? So she can go on using up oxygen that real people need?”
Arabella’s hand slid away at that point, and I can feel four sets of eyes on me. I laugh nervously. “I don’t even remember saying that. That is… I’m so sorry… not my finest…”
Fuck.
* * *
We’re now thirty-two minutes into the special ninety-minute premiere, and I have never wanted to jump out of a window so badly in my entire life. It’s only three storeys up, so a broken leg at best, a snapped neck at worst? Either would be preferable to sitting through another hour of this hell. So far, the show has Arabella painted as the sympathetic heroine, with me cast as the total dickhead who wants the poor thing out ofhis jungle. They seem to have cut any moments of kindness that I showed on day one of our time in the jungle and I know there were at least a few.
Weren’t there?
The only bit that anyone in this room found the slightest bit funny was when Arabella rappelled out of the helicopter swearing the entire way down, and only her gran found it amusing. Her father was clearly very irked, Tessa was horrified on her behalf, and Arthur seemed to be filled with disdain when he shook his head and said, “Can’t wait to deal with that one tomorrow.”
“Sorry,” Arabella squeaked.
“Why?” Princess Florence asked. “You showed some spine for once. Good on you.”
“Yes, because that’s what the people want,” Arthur said. “A foul-mouthed princess who shows some spine.”
10
So This is Why Most of the Couples from The Bachelor Break Up…
Arabella
Why the helldid I think watching this with my family was a good way to introduce them to Will? Like seriously? WHY?Why?
This is the most awkward, awful first impression ever made in the history of first impressions. Will definitely lost any potential allies in the room with his ‘oxygen’ comment. And even though I really don’t remember what I said on our first day, I have a sick feeling it was really nasty. Now that I’m watching us out there, all of the hate I had for him on day one has come rushing back to me. To be honest—and I’m loathe to admit this about the love of my life—he is kind of, sort of, definitely coming off as arrogant.
“Now, Princess Arabella and I are lucky because we have a machete. With this handy device, not only can I cut a path through the dense vegetation, I can also turn stalks of bamboo into a torch, a fishing spear, a fresh water source, as well as an effective weapon.”
I roll my eyes in a most unladylike fashion. “I had no idea I was out in the wild with MacGyver. By any chance, can you teach me how to make a bomb out of some seeds and a chewing gum wrapper?”
“If the seeds contain palm oil, sure,” he says, getting the best of me. “Now that it’s starting to get dark, we both need to keep our wits about us and watch for anything that could be a threat. This jungle is home to a variety of snakes, the black button spider, not to mention some large wildcats that might be feeling hungry right about now. Most of the animals out here feed at dusk and dawn, which makes this the most dangerous time of day.”
I make a squeaking noise and Will turns to me. “What was that?”
“I didn’t say anything,” I say, raising my eyebrows at him as though he’s losing his mind. “For someone who says he’s in such a hurry, you certainly stop a lot to make videos.”
“It’s part of the job,” he answers, narrowing his eyes at me. “Oh, right. Sorry. A job is something people do to make money. You see, they have to perform certain tasks as laid out by their employer. If they complete the tasks, they get paid so they can afford things like food and rent.”
“Are you still standing there talking?” I say, then start walking again.
Will rushes to get in front of me and says, “I know it’s not royal protocol but out here, you walk a few steps behind me.”
“Right. I’m happy to let you go first,” I say.
Oh, shit. Please cut the scene here.
“If that’s what it takes to make you feel like a big man…”
Nope. Of course not.
He turns to me again. “Oh, I’m sorry. Earlier I forgot to explain what rent was. You probably don’t know.”
