Audience laughter and irritating car horn again.
“Okay, okay, you two,” Candace the Cutie says. “We need to let the man talk. Willie, did you guys have lots of makeup sex last night or what?”
“Well, since I’m a gentleman…”
“Snap! They totally did!”
Dan and Bowser high-five each other.
“You totally got it made, mate. I mean, here you are, hooking up with a beautiful princess who is not only a major career boost for you, but she’s so rich, she bought you a yacht.”
“Yeah, tell us about the yacht. What did you have to do to score a gift like that?” Bowser asks. “Because I gotta tell you, I’d be up for anything if that was the payday.”
Stay calm. Don’t let them win. “I can’t really get into specifics because—”
“Her dad made you sign an NDA?” Dan asks.
“You don’t want your girlfriend to cut you off?” Bowser adds.
“Hey, don’t give him a hard time,” Candace says. “I’d want to keep them happy too if I was him. He never has to work again. Isn’t that right, Will? If you keep the princess happy, you can live off of her daddy from now on.”
Oh, this sucks big hairy balls. “Well, obviously I have no intention of—”
“Sure you do,” Bowser says, laughing. “I know I would.”
Bugger. They’re going to make me look like a giant arse, aren’t they?“Well, when you have self-respect and you love what you do for a living as much as I do—”
“Nobodyloves their job,” Bowser says. “That’s why they have to pay you to do it,”
I raise my voice and talk over him. “—Then you definitely wouldn’t want to give that up for anything. Luckily for me, Princess Arabella doesn’t expect me to.”
Bowser raises his voice over mine. “Oh, sure, that’s what she says now, but once you get that ring on her finger, ooohhheee!”
“Speaking of rings on fingers, are you going to make an honest woman of her or what?” Candace asks.
“Well, that’s a rather old-fashioned way of thinking about—”
“Yeah, baby! They’re doing it all right.” Inappropriate moaning sound.
Annnddd… I’m done. “All right. That’s about enough. I came here to talk about our upcoming show,” I say. “But clearly your goal is to have a go at me, which I don’t mind, but you’re also having a go at Princess Arabella, and that’s where I draw the line.”
“Look at you taking charge of the interview,” Candace says. “Mummy likey!”
“Great,” I say. “Anyway, the show airs for the next five weeks starting this Thursday at 8 p.m. on ABN. I’m really proud of the work we did and how Princess Arabella rose to the challenge. We were dropped into the Congo and we had to make our way out of the jungle with only each other and a small supply of survival gear. No food, no water, not even a proper first-aid kit, which would’ve been helpful because we faced some potentially fatal situations out there.”
“Our audience is probably more interested in thepositionsyou found yourselves in rather than the deadly situations,” Dan says before squeezing the car horn again.Uh-ROO-Gah!
“Okay, very funny. We all get it, but I would remind you that the princess is deserving of respect as both a member of the royal family and as a woman.” Now I sound like the principal at a stuffy private school, so I guess they win, but sod it. I really don’t care at this point.
“Somebody’s getting defensive!” Candace says. “As a woman, I have to say I really wouldn’t mind talking about having sex with you. In fact, if you want to head down into the break room with me, I’d be happy to come back and tell everybody all about it.”
Moaning sound.
“Well, that’s all the time I have,” I snap. “I have a very busy day ahead so thank you for having me, and I wish all your listeners a wonderful day.”
“Oh, he’s standing up and walking out, folks. Looks like we’ve managed to upset the unflappable Mr. Adventure Pants.”
“Oh, he’s gone. He’s a bit of a sensitive Sally, isn’t he?”
