“That’s right, I’m the dumb one.”
Sound effect of an audience making anawwwsound plays.
Yuck. This is way too much energy for six a.m. My eyes aren’t even fully open yet. I have a sip of the stale coffee they offered me when I got here and watch as the three hosts, all dressed in sweatpants and hoodies, pretend they’re crazy-excited to be here.
Candace yawns and continues, sounding surprisingly peppy. “It’s Friday, so you know what that means!”
A recording of an audience shouting, “No Knickers Day!” plays.
“That’s right! It’s No Knickers Day, and I, for one, am extra excited because at this very moment, I am looking at none other than Avonia’s sexiest man, the fellow all the guys want to be and all the ladies want to be with—Will Banks of the highly anticipated new show,Princess in the Wild.”
“I was hoping it would bePrincess in the Buff,” Bowser says, hitting the button for an old-timey car horn sound to play.
I set my jaw, then tell myself to relax because the worst thing I can do is get angry. That’s what they want, but I have news for them. I’m not going to play their game.
“Tell us the truth, Will,” Candace says. “Are you wearing underwear? I’m asking for a friend.”
Okay, could I feel any cheaper right now?I laugh off the question without answering while I dream of a day when I don’t have to step foot in a radio station again.
“I bet every day is No Knickers Day for Will,” Dan says. “He looks like a total free-baller, doesn’t he, Bowser?”
“You know it, Dan. Free Willie!” Bowser says, prompting them all to laugh while I sit and wait for an actual question.
Bowser looks at me. “Willie, what about your girlfriend? Does she wear knickers? And if so, what kind?”
Time to change the game. I sit back in my seat and take off the headphones, which garners an immediate reaction from all three of them. They start shaking their heads, and Bowser covers his mic with one hand and says, “Okay, okay. Don’t leave.”
I give him a long glare until Candace says, “That was offside, Bowser.”
“Yes, you wentwayover the line,” Dan says. “Don’t mind him, Willie. He ate a lot of paint chips as a kid. But seriously. Let’s talk about the show because that’s what you’re here to do.”
“Thank you,” I say, putting the headphones back on and leaning toward the mic. “The show airs every Thursday night on ABN, and it’s a wild ride right from the second we’re dropped from a helicopter into the Congo.”
“Sounds cool,” Bowser says. “I’ll be tuning in for sure. Any hard feeling toward Princess Arabella? I mean, here you had a terrific show,The Wild World, a total testosterone fest—man vs. nature at its best—and then she prances in and takes over. That’s got to feel like a hair up your arse, no?”
“Definitely not. I’m more than happy to share the limelight—”
“—Oh, wait a minute folks, the bullspit metre is climbing!” Candace says. “It’s at a level six and still moving up.”
Canned laughter.
“Seriously, Will, tell us what happened last night after you two love birds left the studio after your disastrous interview,” Bowser says, scratching his shaggy grey beard. “For those of you who missed the show last night—and based on the ratings released by ABN this morning, it was almost nobody in the entire kingdom—you and your new leading lady were on ABN for a pre-show game show of sorts to get people all hyped up to watch your boring nature documentary—”
“Come on, now,” Candace interjects. “Anything with a man this hot could never be called boring.”
“Thanks, Candace,” I say before I realize what exactly I’m thanking her for.
Candace continues. “I stayed up way past my bedtime to watch, and I gotta be honest, Will. You two don’t seem to see eye to eye onanything. You only got, like, one question right the entire time. Ouch.”
“Yeah, Will,” Dan says. “What was that car ride like on the way home?”
“Honestly, it was—”
“Oh snap!” Bowser says. “He’s going to pretend it was fine, but we all know the truth, don’t we? There isno waythey are in a good place right now.”
“I don’t know,” Dopey Dan says. “I’d let a woman that hot get away with insulting me on national television too.”
“Of course you would,” Bowser says. “But that’s only because you wouldn’t have understood what she was saying.”
