Never Break Up with a Woman While on a Long Raft Trip
Will
Doyou know what's really fucking awkward? Having a massive row with someone while you're on a ten-foot by six-foot raft. Because there's really nowhere to go to avoid each other once the damage has been done. We have floated along in complete silence for the last two hours, neither of us pointing out the okapi or monkeys.
Right now, we’re both silently watching the river otters swim beside us. Somehow the sight of them there, so content, brings a pang of pain for me, knowing I may never feel that happy again because we are one hundred percent over, just like my career and my reputation. I will never be able to live down the fact that I'm the guy who almost got a princess killed out in the jungle. I'm taking her to a hospital now where I’ll be admitting defeat.
It doesn't matter how it happened, because I knew she had no business being out here, yet I wanted to believe she could do it. I should've gotten us out of there as fast as possible, but I didn't. And although I’m pretty sure she'll be okay based on the number of bananas she's scarfed down, I still have to get her checked by a doctor to be sure.
Seriously, she has eaten a lot of bananas. Like enough bananas to feed an entire family of horny bonobos.
A dock jutting out from the river’s edge tells me we’re close to Wasapi. We make our way around the next bend in the hot sun and come to a clearing in the trees. We made it. My heart sinks as I steer the raft toward the shore, knowing that in about ten minutes, my life as I know it will be over. The only consolation is that I’ll be rid of her permanently. Thank God for that. She is the very last thing I need. I suppose the other silver lining is that we figured out we’re not compatible before things went too far, so I guess there’s that to be grateful for. The raft bumps against the shore and I hop off, pulling it onto the sandy ground. Arabella makes no move to get off or to help.
“So, Your Highness, it turns out it's much easier for me to drag the raft without also having the extra weight of an adult human aboard.”
She turns and glares at me but says nothing.
“Okay, I see. So now I'm your servant all of a sudden?”
“I'm not getting off.”
“Of course you're getting off. I got you here. This is the part where you go find a doctor so you can get checked over and I find a phone that isn’t smashed so I can call Dylan and tell her where to pick us up.”
She shakes her head and folds her arms at me. “Nope. Not doing it.”
“Yes. You bloody well are. Because we’re done. Completely done, in case you didn't realize it the first several times I've told you that this is over. You and I are over. The show is over. My career is over. So the only thing I have to live for at this moment is a hot shower, a big meal, copious amounts of beer, and a bed, which are all to be found in that village right there. Now get your arse off the raft before I do it for you.”
“You're such a coward,” she says, lifting her chin.
I bark out a nasty laugh. “I'ma coward?”
“Yes. Sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but you are. You think you're so fucking brave out here doing manly things in the wild, but the truth is, you're just hiding from any real type of life and responsibility. You have set it up so you have the perfect excuse for never getting attached to anybody. You’re a crap brother, you’re a crap uncle, and you’d be a crap boyfriend.”
“I'm not listening to this. Either get off the raft or don't. But I'm out of here.” I give it a good yank, then start to tie it to a tree using a vine. “I’m going to go get a drink. Do whatever the hell you want,” I say, stepping back onto the raft to grab my backpack.
“Give me the map. I'm going to keep going,” she says defiantly.
“There's no fucking way I'm giving you this map. You're done. You can't survive out there even with me. We’ve got twenty-eight hours until time’s up and it’s at least a twenty-hour hikeifwe go fast. Do you know how hard that is, even if you’re strong and healthy? It’s really fucking hard. And in case you haven’t noticed, you are neither strong, nor healthy. It’s over. We lose.” I hop off the raft and start walking up the hill, the smell of chicken cooking pulling me ahead.
I’m just at the top when her voice stops me. “I never figured you for a quitter. A smug prick and a coward, yes. But not a quitter.”
I turn and let out a frustrated laugh. “Yeah, and you’re insane if you think you can hike for twenty hours, which means some of that has to be doneat night. In the jungle. The mighty jungle where the lions don’t sleep at night.”
“Lions live in the savannah.”
“Jaguars then. And rats and snakes and crocs. They’re all wide awake all night looking for something to eat, and you may be skinny, but I’m sure none of them would mind making a meal out of you.”
“Fine. You quit. Do what you want, but I’m not giving up.” She stands, looking strong now as she steps off the raft. She holds her hand out to me and says. “Give me the fucking map. I'm going to go take a piss, then get back across this river, and through that jungle to the finish line. If you want to go into town and cry in your beer, you be my guest. I don't give a shit what you do. ButI'mgoing to prove that I can finish what I started.”
“You cannot do this alone.”
“Then I’ll gladly die trying because I refuse to be the reason that your friends lose their jobs or your brother loses his boat,” she says. “And there’s no way I’m going home with my tail tucked between my legs so everyone I know will say, ‘Yup, we were right about her. She’s so delicate she can’t even eat some berries.’” Leaning in, she tries to look menacing. “So, either get your weak arse out of my face or be a man and come with me. I don’t care what you choose, but youaregiving me that map.”
I glare down at her, my heart pounding in my chest and I don't know if I want to walk away forever or kiss her hard on the mouth. She glares back, her cute little nostrils flaring.
Son of a bitch. I’m going to do this, aren’t I?
27
