“Thanks, but I’m not in need of your approval.”
We continue on for another few minutes, now reaching a short drop off that requires a jump to get down. She almost loses her balance and reaches for a vine, but I grab her palm before she can touch it. She makes the jump, then tugs her hand away. “I'm fine, thank you.”
“That vine you were reaching for was an Asian liana. Those thorns would have embedded themselves into your palm and with this humidity and heat, your entire hand would be infected within a few hours.” I turn and start through the brush again, slicing a path. “So, when I say don't touch anything, I mean don’t touchanything. Oh, and if you see any frogs, don’t lick the yellow ones.”
“Being impolite to each other is hardly going to make anything better,” she says in a stiff tone.
I stop and turn to her. “I’m just trying to keep you safe, Your Highness, and if you’re doing something that could put your life—and thereforemine—at risk, I won’t have time for niceties.”
“But certainly there was time for itafterthe fact, which is when you snapped at me,” she says, sounding irritatingly regal.
Christ. I don’t have time for this shit.“If it pleases you, Your Highness, it would be most wonderful if you could refrain from touching anything without asking, so as not to become infected and die. I’d prefer not to have to carry your lifeless body out of the jungle for a proper royal burial.”
She stares at me for a moment with her lips pursed. “You’ve made it clear you don’t want me here. There’s really no need to continue hammering once the nail is all the way in the board.”
With that, she continues on and I hurry to get in front of her. We hike in silence for a long time, both of us furious. She has no business out here and rather than admitting it, she’s pretending like she has every right to be risking both our lives. And that’s exactly why I’m going to get us the hell out of here as fast as humanly possible. She doesn’t know it, but we’re heading to the river to camp for the night. Then, first thing tomorrow morning, I’m building a raft that will get us out of here in under five days flat. It’ll also allow me to keep her from getting herself killed. She can just sit in the middle of it and wait while I get us to Mbambole.
The sun starts to go down, so I decide to make the most of the fading light. Holding the selfie stick up, I say, “If you ever find yourself in a jungle such as this one, and if you've got the choice, always cover as much of your body as possible so as to avoid cuts and scratches. Anything that can lead to potential infection is deadly out here.” Turning the camera and aiming it in front of me, I say, “When you’re lost in the woods, you’ll want to lookthroughthe jungle instead ofat it. Find a spot about five metres ahead so you can see any movement before it’s too late. The tricky part is you also need to remain keenly aware of what’s happening on the ground directly in front of you and to your sides in case something is either slithering or creeping up to you, looking for it’s lunch.”
Flipping the camera back toward me, I see Arabella’s face behind me in the screen. She looks unmistakably horrified which, I hate to admit, brings out a pathetic sense of satisfaction. “If you ever find yourself lost in any type of forest setting, one of the first things you have to do is make sure you aren’t walking in circles. That’s why most people end up dead. The best choice is to stay put until you’re rescued, but if you know that’s not an option, here’s how you get out alive. Pick an object in the distance and follow that. Once you reach it, pick another one ahead of you and keep going. Turn back a few times to make sure the last object is still behind you. That'll keep you going in a nice straight line. If you find a stream or other flowing body of water, follow it. You’ll not only have a source of water, but rivers don’t run in circles, so eventually, you’ll find your way out.”
I turn behind me and see that she's quite far back so I stop, sit on a log. While I wait, I take out my canteen and have a few swigs of water.
When she reaches me, she starts to sit down, leaving as much space between us as possible. “Thank God, I need to catch my breath.”
I stand quickly, screwing the top on my canteen and start walking. “No time. You can rest when we get to camp.”
Once we’re walking again, I say, “What would you guess the leading cause of death would be in an environment like this?”
“Probably mosquito bite.”
“Good guess. That's number two. The leading cause is infection.” I stop and point at a tree to my right. “This skinny tree is called an Acacia Senegal. It's one of the most important species for our purposes,” I say. “It’s got one of Mother Nature’s best remedies for cuts and scrapes.”
I take a small Ziploc bag out of my backpack, then scrape a large dollop of transparent orange goo off the tree and deposit it carefully into the bag. “We'll save that for later.”
“How much further before we find a suitable place to stop?” she asks. “Not that I'm tired or anything. Just curious.”
“I'd say another couple of hours.”
“Brilliant.”
Looking down, I spot some rhino beetle larvae. I aim my camera at them and zoom in. “Are you hungry, Your Highness? Because these little guys are an amazing source of protein. We just have to empty out their digestive tracts first.”
I pick one up, twist off its head, then squeeze it, letting a sizable amount of brown goop ooze out onto my palm. Holding it up to her, I say, “Tea break?”
Arabella makes a gagging sound. “Thank you. I had a rather large breakfast.”
I shrug and pop it into my mouth, maintaining eye contact while I chew it. It’s disgusting and squishy, but I force a satisfied smile on my face anyway. “Mmm. That’s good and it’ll keep me going for a good long while, unlike my companion who may start to feel fatigued soon.”
“I’ll take my chances.”
We continue on and I pick up the pace now. “Let’s move. It gets dark early out here.”
As we walk, I continue to narrate. “Now, Princess Arabella and I are lucky because we have a machete. With this handy device, not only can I cut a path through the dense vegetation, I can also turn stocks of bamboo into a torch, a fishing spear, a fresh water source, as well as an effective weapon.”
“I had no idea I was out in the wild with MacGyver. By any chance, can you teach me how to make a bomb out of some seeds and a chewing gum wrapper?” she asks, lathering on a sweetness so fake, I should start calling her Splenda.
“If the seeds contain palm oil, sure.” I turn back to the camera. “Now that it’s starting to get dark, we both need to keep our wits about us and watch for anything that could be a threat. This jungle is home to a variety of snakes, the brown recluse spider, not to mention some large wildcats that might be feeling hungry right about now. Most of the animals out here feed at dusk and dawn, which makes this the most dangerous time of day.”
