“Well, we do know it’s somewhere we’ve been, so at least there’s that,” Mac says.
“Oh! I hope we’re going to Iceland.” Tosh’s eyes light up. “I love Icelandic women.”
“As hot as they are, I’m hoping for Brazil.” Mac grins. “Nothing beats Brazil for women.”
“Yes, they’re so spicy.”
“Well, I’m glad you two are enjoying this!” I snap.
The flight attendant, a tall woman with long black hair and a name tag that reads Lamai, walks up to us. “Good morning, gentlemen. Breakfast will be served shortly after takeoff. In the meantime, I’m supposed to give you this video to watch.”
She sets down a tablet on the table and walks away. On the screen is Dylan’s smiling face. Tosh pushes play, and her piercing voice fills the cabin.
“Who’s ready for an epic adventure? YOU are!” she yells with an open-mouthed smile. “William, make sure you get some sleep because you’re not only about to go on the adventure of a lifetime, but you’re about to start a whole new chapter of your life—one filled with fortune and fame like nothing you've ever imagined.
Now, I know you're probably dying to find out where you're going and with whom you're going to be spending the next however many days, but I’m not giving any hints. You’ll find out everything during the big reveal.
“And don’t bother asking the flight crew where you’re going. They’re under strict instructions not to answer any questions. When you land, Tosh and Mac will be exiting the plane first and setting up audio and video while you spend your last few minutes relaxing and making yourself look ruggedly handsome.” Dylan winks into the camera.
“Once we're all set to go, you'll be allowed off, and we’ll bring out our mystery co-host. I cannot wait for you to meet her. You are going to love her. Or hate her. One of the two. She’s your perfect foil. Or your perfect match. We’ll see!”
She claps her hands a few times, then says, “Try to fuel up and get some sleep because as soon as you step off that plane there will be no stopping—possibly for several years as you ride the fame dragon. See you on the other side. Ciao!”
The video ends, but I continue to glare at the black screen.
“Do you think it’s just the Red Bull or is she maybe taking Ritalin without a prescription?” Mac asks.
“Oh, she’s taking something,” I say. “And whatever she’s on, she’s clearly dealing it to Victor and Kira for them to go along with this insanity.”
“This thing’s got you rattled,” Tosh says. “I've never seen you like this before, even when we were cage diving with great whites and your cage opened.”
“Sharks are like dogs of the sea,” I say with a shrug. “Humansare the most dangerous animal, and Dylan is the worst of them all. I used to be the master of my fate, but she’s turned me into a pawn. A pawn, Tosh! I’m just going along for the ride like some schmuck.”
“You mean like us?” Mac asks.
“That’s not what I meant.” I shake my head, desperate for a way out of this. “I meant thatthis…” I point to the screen. “Isn’t my show. It’s embarrassing, phony trash. I might as well see if I can guest star onReal Housewives.”
“It’s notthatbad,” Tosh says. “At least you’ll be out doing what you love.”
“I'm about to be stuck out in the middle of nowhere trying to drag around some woman who likely has no clue what she's doing and will end up getting us both killed. To be totally honest, I spent the last few days feeling very sure I should just quit.”
“What if it turns out they’re pairing you up with someone really qualified?” Tosh asks. “She could be a former Navy SEAL who was raised in a cabin in the woods and can whittle utensils out of Birchwood.”
“Yeah, put everything you just said together with the word sexy, and see if it fits to you.”
“Good point,” Tosh says. “Now I can see why you're panicking.”
“Damn right I’m panicking. What if she turns out to be some kind of psycho like that woman inSingle White Femaleor that one fromThe Hand That Rocks the Cradle? Women can be scary, you know. Have you met my sister?”
The jet starts to back out of its stall and makes a slow, wide turn onto the runway.
“You're in it now,” Mac says. “I think you pretty much have to see it through.”
“No, I won't,” I say. “If I don't think she can handle it, I'm pulling the plug on the whole thing.”
* * *
Seven hours of me nervously bouncing my leg later, the plane finally lands. I watch as Mac and Tosh fling their backpacks over their shoulders, and it’s all I can do to stop myself from hugging them each goodbye.
