I find her on the living room floor. “Good morning, you,” I say, reaching down to ruffle her hair.
“Morning! Can we make play dough again today?”
“Sure thing. Give me a few minutes to make some coffee for the cranky old grown-ups first.”
She grins up at me. “You’re never cranky.” Pointing to her dad, she says, “Him, though …”
“Smart aleck,” Liam says, as we walk into the kitchen.
“Any luck today?” he asks, even though I can see in his eyes he already knows.
I shake my head. “Not yet, but it’s got to turn up eventually, right? It’ll get washed onto the shore sooner or later.”
He gives me a doubtful look. “From the sound of where you said it went in, I’d say it’s not that likely.”
“Thanks,” I say sarcastically.
“I just don’t want you to kill yourself looking,” he answers. “Do you want some help? I have scuba gear, I could go for a dive.”
I shake my head while I fill the carafe with water. “Thanks, but no.”
“Penance?”
“Something like that,” I say, turning to face him.
“Abby, throwing that ring doesn’t make you a horrible wife.” His face is full of a kindness I don’t deserve.
The sight of it scratches at me like a pair of wool socks on the driest day of winter. Turning back to the coffeemaker, I say, “Doesn’t exactly make me a good one, though.”
“It makes you human.”
I sigh and close my eyes. “I’m still going to find that ring.”
“So long as you know that if you can’t, it just means the tide moved it, or maybe a crab picked it up. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love him.”
I turn and lean against the counter. “I blamed him, and I mean I really blamed him—a dead man who isn’t here to defend himself,” I say, letting my words tumble out as fast as my tongue can carry them. “He doesn’t deserve that. It wasn’t his fault we didn’t have children. It was mine. If I wanted a different life, I needed to make that happen. I’ve been aiming my rage at him when really I should have turned the gun on myself.”
Liam looks slightly shocked, so I hold up one hand. “I meant figuratively.”
“I’m glad because that was quite the dark image.” He softens his voice and walks over to me, placing both hands on my upper arms. “So, you’re furious with a woman who was the ripe old age of twenty-two when she made a big decision. You know who else is roughly twenty-two?” he asks. “Colton Nickerson.”
Rolling my eyes, I say, “I know where you’re going with this analogy, but trust me, it’s not the same thing.”
“Why not?”
“Because he’s a child, for God’s sake. His mom still drives him around and does his laundry.”
Liam leans toward me. “Did you know that the frontal lobe of the human brain isn’t fully developed until the age of twenty-five?”
“No, Bill Nye, I didn’t.”
“Well, it’s true,” he says. “That means your higher-level decision-making wasn’t all there yet. So stop beating yourself up over a decision you made almost two decades ago. Give young Abby a break. She did the best she could, just like still-young-but-slightly-wiser Abby is doing today.”
I stare at him for a full ten seconds before I say anything. “I’m still going to look for that ring.”
“I’m sure you will. But what if you made it more of a casual search instead of forcing yourself to get up at four in the morning every day?”
“Because I wasn’t a casual wife.”
