I shake my head. “Only to say there’s a reason I live on the opposite coast from my mother.”
“Gotcha. I’m a healthy distance from my family as well,” Liam says, unwrapping his sandwich. “Do you want to stop for some lunch, or do you still have some rage to work out?”
I let my shoulders drop, realizing my anger has led to aching muscles and an empty stomach. “I think I’m about done. I’ll just get cleaned up.”
A few minutes later, I join Liam on the steps, with clean hands and a pre-made quinoa salad. I sit next to him and sigh, a sense of calm coming over me. Walt trots over and settles himself between us, then watches as a robin hops along the grass in search of food. His black ears prick up and he juts his head forward, but he doesn’t spring into action.
“Your cat’s not much of a hunter,” Liam says.
“He’s used to eating Fancy Feast on fine china. He’d never lower himself to eating a live bird.” I pat Walt on the head. “I think he’s scared actually. I thought he’d love having the freedom of a big yard, but so far he hasn’t left the deck.”
“He’ll come around when he’s ready. Won’t you, buddy?” Liam scratches him behind the ears and is rewarded by Walt rubbing his head against his leg.
We sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes, Liam eating his second sandwich, and me, my salad. A slight breeze kicks up, cooling my feverish skin. I stare at the mess of weeds tossed around the garden, dreading the idea of bagging them.
Liam speaks up out of the blue. “My daughter, Olive, is a lot like your Walt. She doesn’t rush into things. Her grandparents think she’s too scared of new things, but I don’t think that’s it at all. She takes the time to properly assess a situation before deciding what she’s going to do.”
“She sounds smart.”
He smiles, his pride obvious. “She is. She’s just like her mother. Thoughtful and intelligent. Sarah was an artist. She painted and sculpted.”
I’m not sure how to respond, so I just nod my head and wait for him to say more.
Instead of sharing more about himself, he brings the conversation back to me. “What did your husband do?”
“He was an English professor and a freelance editor.”
“So, he wasn’t exactly a dullard.”
I chuckle a bit. “Not exactly. He was very well-spoken and well-read.”
Liam nods, and I realize it feels nice to talk about Isaac with someone who didn’t know him. It’s almost like I can rediscover him again for myself. “Isaac was always the first person to read anything I wrote. He had a way of asking me just the right questions to uncover the hidden potential in each of my stories. Then I would dive back in, and when I was done with the second draft, it would be so much better than the first.”
“Who reads for you now? Since he’s been gone?”
“There’s been nothing to read.”
Liam makes a little ‘hmm’ sound that is neither dismissive nor judgmental. “You’ll get back to it when you’re ready.”
Gratitude fills me at not having been told to ‘get back on that horse.’ “I hope so. I really love it.”
He gives me a thoughtful look. “If you love it, what keeps you from writing again?”
“Guilt.” The word pops out of my mouth before I have time to process or censor it.
“That you’re alive and he isn’t.” Liam takes a sip of his coffee.
“Yes,” I say, doing my best to keep my voice steady. “I take it you feel like that sometimes, too.”
“Every damn day.” His words are thick with emotion. “She’s missing it all, and she would have loved being Olive’s mom. Malcolm’s too.”
I blink hard to keep the tears at bay. “Do you ever think maybe she’s watching somehow?”
“I have to believe she is.” He shakes his head. “I don’t think I could do it if I thought otherwise. The pain of being separated from your child is…” His voice trails off, then he says, “Indescribable.”
The word hangs there for a moment, then he says, “What about you? Do you think there’s something else after all this?”
I sigh for a moment, considering the question. “I never used to, but now, I don’t know. I dream about him a lot. Long conversations about things I’m going through, decisions I have to make. He always knew what to do, and somehow he still does.” I suddenly feel naked, having shared something with Liam I have told no one else. “That probably makes me sound like an insane person.”
