I close my eyes and hold the phone away from me for a second. When I bring it back to my ear, she’s saying, “If you do, you won’t be alone this time. I promise.”
Epilogue
The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.
~ Audrey Hepburn
“Are you ready?” Liam smiles at me, and his eyes are more brilliant than the shimmering water surrounding the boat. We’ve just left the safety of the harbor as we head out to sea.
I nod and smile. I’m frightened and excited and happy in a way I’ve never been. I wrap my arms around Liam’s waist and give him a long kiss, thoroughly loving the taste of his mouth on mine. Olive has run back into the cabin to get Liam’s captain’s hat, and we have a moment alone on the deck together.
It’s a beautiful Monday morning in late May. The sun is warm, and we are about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. Our little family, Walt, Olive, Liam and me. Olive’s been buzzing with exuberance since Thursday when we told her we were pulling her out of school a month early. We’re going to sail all the way to the Bahamas and back over the next four months, stopping wherever we want, and at some point, when the moment is just right, we’re going to have a tiny wedding ceremony on a beach somewhere. Just the three of us, two witnesses, and a minister. Maybe Walt, if he’ll agree to get off the yacht by then.
We’ve agreed not to tell her what’s coming until we get home. Liam doesn’t want to taint this moment for her, or for us, and even though my hatred of what will come can be vicious at times, I’m doing my best to allow myself to just be in this achingly beautiful moment with them.
I’m determined to make these days the best he’s known, because of anyone I’ve met, Liam deserves this. He deserves to be carefree and peaceful and happy. He deserves to bask in the sun and see new places and taste exotic foods. He deserves to be taken care of now, and that means setting aside my own fear and sadness, and exchanging it for moments of being truly alive with him.
Because he is here for now. He is real and alive, and I love him completely. I love him for who he is and how he loves. I love him for the oceans of compassion he has inside his soul. I love him for his music and the magic he brings to this world. And I won’t ever stop loving him, even long after he’s gone. And the pain of losing him will remind me that I am alive and that I chose to live fully for once, accepting the end, instead of hiding away and missing out on everything wonderful this life has to offer.
Olive’s footsteps cause us to break our embrace. She says, “Gross!” but the grin on her face says she’s happy to see her dad in love.
He squats down and she places the cap on top of his head, then gives it a solid pat before spinning in a circle with her arms spread wide. “I am the luckiest girl ever!”
Liam waits until she stops spinning to ruffle her hair and say, “Why’s that?”
“Because instead of sitting in boring Mr. Peter’s social studies class right now, I get four whole months off. In kid years, that’s like an eternity.”
Nodding, Liam says, “Damn straight it is. And we’re going to drink in every precious drop of this life, my girl. Starting today.”
I have to fight the urge to give in to sorrow, and instead, plunge myself into Olive’s elation, focusing on her pure joy as she dances and spins in the breeze. I’ll have to keep drawing on this moment, on her happiness and her wonder to see me through.
“Do you want to drive for a bit?” Liam asks her. Olive nods and slips between him and the wheel, taking hold of it firmly with a look of pure joy on her face.
I pick up the camera off the bench seat and focus on the two of them like this, as he covers her hands with his and helps her adjust our course. I quickly snap as many shots as I can before my eyes go all blurry again.
“That’s it. Just like that. Keep her steady.” Letting go of her hands, he puts the captain’s hat on Olive’s head. It falls down over her ears and pushes on her wild hair. “Here we go, love! We’re off on our great adventure.”
She cranes her neck to look up at him. “Dad. I was just thinking. Maybe we could keep going. Instead of coming back in time for grade five, we could just keep going for years and years and see the whole entire world!”
There’s a twinge of pain in his face, but he recovers almost instantly in that way that only a parent can. “I’d love to, Olive. In fact, there’s nothing I’d love more than to do just that. But I want to leave some parts of the world for you to discover on your own.”
“But I don’t want to explore without you and Abby.”
“And that is a perfectly natural feeling for someone who’s eight—”
“Eight and two-thirds.”
“Them too. But the thing is, you get your start with your parents, then you’re meant to go off and explore for yourself when you’re all grown.”
“That’s stupid.”
“No, it makes perfect sense. If you had all your adventures at the start of your life, there’d be nothing left for you to experience when you fall in love.”
I can’t hold back my tears now, and I turn back to the shore to hide my face. Cape Breton is growing smaller and I imagine myself leaving my sadness there, on a faraway dock. It will be there when we return. I let in a deep, shaky breath, then another, this time stronger.
I can do this. I know I can. I will be broken-hearted again, but today, I’m alive in a way I never have been. And so is Liam. When I turn back toward them, I hope my nose isn’t a shade of giveaway-red, but from the look of understanding in Liam’s eyes, I turned too soon.
“Olive, be a love and go check on Mr. Whitman,” he says. “See if he’s ready to come up on the deck yet.”
