“It’s going to be awfully quiet then because there’s nothing to say.”
“Did you and Liam have a big fight or something?”
Tears spring to my eyes and I turn to face the window, trying to regain my composure. Sniffing, I say, “Not really. Well, sort of, I suppose. But the silver lining is we figured out we weren’t right for each other before things got too complicated.”
“Hmph.” She finds a stall, turns in, and parks the car.
“I really don’t want to talk about it, okay?”
“Okay, but I’m here to listen if you change your mind,” she says, clearly restraining herself.
“I’m thinking of moving home, actually,” I say, surprising both of us equally. “It would take a while to sell the house but there’s nothing for me in Cape Breton and New York is too expensive.” And even though I can’t say it, I think I’d like to be closer to my family.
Turning to me, she smiles, her eyes filled with glassy hope. But she doesn’t whip into planning mode or tell me she knows the perfect place. And she doesn’t suggest I take over their basement or say she’s glad I finally saw the light. Instead, she says, “Well, you’ll figure it out. You always do.”
“Yeah, I will.” I nod, trying to reassure myself.
Her face grows serious, and she rests her fingers on my shoulder. “What happened, Abby? You seemed so perfect for each other—all three of you.”
“Oh, fine.” I sigh, closing my eyes for a second. “Four years ago, Liam had cancer—Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He thought he beat it, but …” I shake my head, unable to get the words out.
“Oh, Abby!” she leans over to give me a hug which proves challenging, given the space.
I twist my body and cling to her anyway. Tears fill my eyes and for once, I have no desire to stop them. “It’s come back, low-grade this time, which means he might be okay for a while. It could even be a few years, but then …”
“I’m so sorry, sweetie,” she says, when I finally let her go.
I sniffle and dab at my eyes. “Life is just so unfair.”
“It is. It’s fucking unfair,” she says, her voice filled with anger.
My head snaps back and I look at her. “You just said the ‘f’ word.”
“And I meant it. First, you lose Isaac, then you meet the perfect man, and now this. And poor Olive. Oh my God, that poor little thing. There’s no justice in this world.”
I nod, still too choked up to speak.
“And hasn’t Liam been through enough? I can’t even imagine how he’s still standing after everything he’s had to deal with. He doesn’t deserve this,” she says, her voice shaking with anger. “He’s such a good man. A wonderful dad, and just so generous and thoughtful and full of life.” Her voice cracks and now we’re both crying.
“I know. I can’t even …”
She sighs heavily and her voice softens. “So this is why you came home.”
Nodding, I say, “I just had to get out of there.”
We’re both silent for a minute, then she says, “So you are in love with him, then.”
“What? No,” I say. I mean to shake my head, but it nods instead. “Yes,” I whisper. “But I can’t, Mom. I just can’t go through all of it again. The doctor’s appointments and holding a bucket for him while he pukes and watching him lose his hair and waste away to nothing and get so weak, he can barely stand on his own.” I suck in a shaky breath, and when I exhale, it comes out in stilted sobs. “And at the end, you’re just so fucking empty you can’t even breathe.”
My mom’s shoulders start shaking and now we’re both sobbing so hard, I’m sure the car is moving. “I should have been there,” she whispers. “I should have come. I could have helped. I could have propped you up when you felt like you couldn’t take it anymore.”
Shaking my head, I say, “I didn’t want you to.”
“But I’m your mom. I should never have let you go through that alone.” She sniffles. “When I think about just leaving you to handle it all alone, I just … I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself.”
“It’s okay. Please don’t blame yourself. I never would have let you be there for me.”
“But then you just disappeared into this abyss. I was so scared I was going to lose you forever.”
