“Right?” I ask, hoping she’ll give up now that shouting has yielded no results.
“Val! Val! Valerie!”
Nope. Not giving up. Instead, Kandi is screeching loud enough to burst my left eardrum.
I tap Amber’s hand, who then nudges Quinn on the shoulder and tells her Kandi has something she wants to tell Valerie. Oh, thank God.
When Valerie finally makes eye contact with Kandi, Kandi says, “These Alabama slammers aredelish, no?”
Valerie nods and shouts, “Oh, yeah, baby! It’s party time!”
Well, at least she had something really important to say. It would have been super annoying if Kandi put us all through that just to say something inconsequential…
Quinn leans across Amber and stares at my breasts. “You’re hot, Bree. Fitted T’s are your thing. You’d totally find a man if you wore them more often.”
“Do you think?” I ask, feigning delight.
“Oh, yeah, totes,” Quinn says with a firm nod. “I wish I had huge cans like yours.”
“Me, too!” Kandi adds. “Yours aren’t even all droopy.”
“Yeah, they’re like not even mum boobs at all,” Quinn says.
“Hashtag blessed,” I say, holding up my drink.
The other girls laugh, and I go along, but on the inside, I imagine kicking open the window and squeezing myself out of it—huge, perky boobs and all—and plummeting to my death.
“We’re rocking these T’s,” Valerie says. “Where did you get them, Quinny?”
Quinn shrugs, even though she’s delighted someone finally asked. “Oh, just this online store from China that my brother’s girlfriend told me about. I had to order themagesago so we’d have them on time, but totally worth it, no?”
I nod out of obligation. “Totally.” As in, I’m totally going to lose this accidentally on purpose as soon as humanly possible. “What do I owe you for this?”
“Oh, don’t worry about that, I was happy to get them for everyone,” Quinn says. “They were like twenty-two fifty because of all the custom printing on them. Plus, I had to pay five dollars extra for the sparkly penises, so it was more like $27.50 plus shipping, which worked out to like $4 per shirt, but seriously, you do not have to pay me back if it’s out of your budget. I know money is tight for you, so just buy me a drink or something when we get there.”
“Oh, no, that’s fine. I want to pay you back.” $31.50 for this rag that’s so thin you could spit through it? My God, I haven’t spent that much on an article of clothing for myself inyears, if you don’t count the backless bridesmaid dress, that is.
Kandi grabs my arm. “The best part is, we can wear theseallweekend because the villa has a washer and dryer.”
Quinn leans over and says, “So even if we wear them like, three times, it’ll bring the cost down to like, ten dollars per wear, so that’s practically free.”
“Good point,” says Amber, who is wearing a tight white T-shirt that bears the words, “These are my bitches” on the back of her T-shirt. On the front, it says, “Zidane’s Ho,” which offends me on so many levels that in the words of Kandi,I can’t even. Taking a big gulp of my drink, I decide my best strategymightbeto stay slightly drunk all weekend to get through this. Not so drunk that I tell Amber she’s making a huge mistake, but drunk enough that I won’t want to throat punch my sister’s horrible friends.
Amber watches me suck back my drink, then leans in and lowers her voice. “Is that a celebratory drink or an I’m-going-to-numb-myself-out-because-I-can’t- stand-any-of-this drink?”
Oh, she knows me so well. I smile brightly and squeeze her hand. “Celebratory, obviously! This is going to besofun.”
“No, it won’t. You’re going to hate every minute of this,” Amber says, raising one eyebrow.
“But I promise I’m gonna try really hard not to.”
“And that’s why you’re the best sister ever.” Amber gives me a big wet kiss on my cheek, then turns to talk to Quinn. According to my watch an entire four minutes have gone by already, so at least there’s that…
***
“Hello, Lamb, it’s Mum,” I say into the phone.
I’m currently hiding in the restaurant bathroom so I can say goodnight to Izzy, whom I miss so much it hurts. She’s staying at my parents’ place until Sunday night to give Aunt Dolores a break and to give my parents some Izzy time, as they call it.
