And by a little, I mean I pretty much want to poison all the newlyweds I’ve served in the past ten weeks. Every disgustingly blissful, self-satisfied pair of them.
Yes, happy couples are the worst—especially rich, entitled ones. If I thought Pierce was snooty when I first met him, he had nothing on the people he’s sent our way. Take, for example, the couple we've got here at the moment. I've dubbed them the Duke and Duchess of Spray Tans. The Duke has got to be in his late 60s if he's a day, and his very new Duchess looks like she could still be young enough to think starring inLindsay Lohan’s Beach Clubis a wise choice. The Duke himself must think he’s fooling everybody with his hair and eyebrows that have beenJust for Mennedinto an unnatural black colour that looks like he rubbed his hair with shoe polish. The missus isn’t exactly what I’d call a natural beauty either. She left her ombre blonde hair extensions on the kitchen counter yesterday (eww) and when I happened to catch the pleasant sight of him chasing her around the villa naked (terrifying), her double Ds didn’t even bounce the slightest bit and it was very clearly a case of the carpet not matching the drapes.
At the moment, I’m cursing the pouring rain beating against the houseboat. It’s the third ‘no golf cart’ day in a row which means in a few minutes, I’ll be slopping my way up the mountain to serve them breakfast where I’ll likely bear witness to something that will leave me with PTSD. (Post Traumatic Servant’s Disorder—look it up. It’s a thing.)
I get my mobile off the table and video call Priya because misery loves company, and we’re two of the most miserable people on Earth these days.
When her face appears on the screen, she looks about as bad as I feel. She has dark circles under her eyes and her hair looks like it hasn't seen a comb (or quite possibly shampoo) for a few days now. “Have you heard anything from him?” she asks.
“Nothing. Any word on the job search?”
She holds up a form to the screen and I squint to read the text at the top. “So, you're actually filling them out now?”
“Yes, I might as well just give up and be a doctor.” She slumps in her chair. “What are you making?”
“An uninspired vegan, gluten-free breakfast. Mango almond smoothies and a scrambled veggie fry-up.”
“Sounds disgusting.”
“Oh, it is. But Duke Spray Tan is needing to stay in shape for the new missus.”
Priya stares down at the plates while I unceremoniously dump the tasteless mixture onto them. “God, how could any woman be worth eating that for the rest of your life?”
“Based on the sounds coming from the bedroom, I'd say she helps him forget the shitty menu.”
“Eww.”
“Yeah, eww. And it's supposed to rain for another two days which means subjecting myself to trauma six times a day with meals that fit his Body for Wife diet.”
“Okay, time to cheer ourselves up,” Priya says, opening her laptop. “Let's see what Mr. Davenport is up to this week.”
“Let's not. It's not as fun as it used to be.” As in, ‘it's not as fun as it used to be when I thought he might come back.’
“You have to be patient, Emma. He'll come to his senses soon. In the meantime, let's keep tabs on him.”
I can see she's already off cyberstalking him by the look on her face and the fact that she's typing.
“Who isthatbe-otch?”
“What be-otch?” I ask, freezing in place.
“Looks like he was out last night celebrating with…oh! That's what she looks like in real life.” Priya says scrunching her face up.
“Who?”
“Destiny Poulsen. Boy, does she ever look different without that wig and all the dirt on her face.” Priya screen shares a photo of Pierce, looking stupidly handsome in a tuxedo standing next to Destiny Poulsen who plays Oona inClash of Crowns. In the photo, she’s wearing a dress that’s so low-cut, I swear I can see the top of her navel. My heart sinks to my feet and I feel suddenly pukey.
“Urgh. You probably don’t want to hear this,” Priya says, coming back on the screen.
“I don’t, but tell me anyway.”
“Well, according toWeekly World News E- Gossip, Pierce and Destiny have been suspected of having an intimate relationship, but no one's been able to confirm it. According to a source on set who asked not to be named, the pair have always gotten on very well and she wouldn't be at all surprised to see them couple up at some point in the near future.”
“On second thought, don’t tell me.”
“Sorry, hon.”
“Not your fault that I’m utterly forgettable.”
