Nina gives Tessa a once-over. “You look so tired. Are you managing to get any sleep?”
“Mostly short naps because I can’t last more than a couple of hours without having to pee. There is literally no room for my bladder.”
Nodding, Nina says, “Oh, I remember that. Awful. I hate to tell you, but after the babies are born, you’llwishyou could sleep for two hours at time.”
She doesn’t hate to tell Tessa that. She’s positively delighted. Witch.
“Oh, yeah,” Lars adds. “Nina only slept about thirty-five minutes at a time between feedings when the boys were newborns.”
“If that,” Nina says, laughing. “There was a part of my brain that actually believed the babies were trying to kill me by keeping me awake so much.” She looks up at Lars. “I went off my nut there, didn’t I, Lars?”
“Oh, yes. You were like an insane zombie. Remember the time you forgot the babies’ names for two days straight?”
She gives me a conspiratorial look. “True story. My mind went completely blank from exhaustion. It was like temporary amnesia or something.” She starts counting off on her fingers as she makes a list. “I forgot my bank card PIN, how old I was, the babies’ names, how to use the stove...oh, and how to drive!”
Lars jabs me on the arm with his bony elbow. “I think she only pretended to forget how to use the stove so I’d do the cooking.”
Tessa raises one eyebrow. “Well, maybe you should have done the cooking if she was that bloody tired.”
“No, thank you. He only knows how to make cereal,” Nina says, then her eyes grow wide with excitement. "Are yousouncomfortable, Tess? I was so horribly uncomfortable the last two months with the boys."
“Yes, Nina. I am,” Tessa says, seeming completely lacking in enthusiasm about her ability to commiserate with her sister-in-law. “In fact, each day is an excruciatingly uncomfortable test in my ability to not lose my fucking mind.”
“Uh oh, you’ve reached the angry phase,” Lars says with a smirk. Turning to me, he says, “I feel your pain, Arthur.”
“Oh, DO YOU? Do you feel HIS pain?!” Tessa snaps, drawing the attention of everyone in the room. All the children are suddenly silent, for quite possibly the first time in their lives. “I’m sure it must bejust awfulfor expectant dads, what with the lack of physical symptoms and the fact that your lives and bodies remain exactly the fucking same as they always have!”
Oh, dear. This isn’t good. “Tessa, look, your mum made some of those teenie weenies on toothpicks. Shall we go get you some?”
Huge mistake. That was not the right thing to do in this situation.
She spins on her heel and gives me a death glare. “No, I do not wantteenie weenies! I wantsome respect.”
A knock at the door interrupts, and in walks Finn in a suit and tie, clearly on his way from the office. “Hey, everybody! How’s it going?”
“Fine, Finn. We’re all doing fine!” Tessa shouts.
“Hey, Tess,” he says, strolling over to us, completely oblivious of his sister’s tone. "You're not still thinking of sticking with that whole no nanny thing, are you?"
"Yes, actually I am,” she spits out.
Finn shakes his head and chuckles condescendingly. "Awesome. I can’t wait to see how this plays out."
Tessa throws her shoulders back, which causes her rather intimidating chest to stick out. She pokes Finn on his shoulder. "You know what? I've had just about enough of your crap, Finn. No, wait—in fact, I'vedefinitelyhad enough of your crap for a lifetime. The next time you call me stupid or make any other type of reference to what a disaster I am, I'll have you thrown in the dungeon! Yeah, you probably don’t think I can do that, butI can. Just try me.”
Finn, who looks slightly taken aback, but not enough for my liking (or my wife's, for that matter) says, "Relax. I was just having a go."
"Oh, I know what you were doing, and I’m telling you it’s time to cut it out.Now!None of the things you say to or about me are jokes. A joke is something where everybody's laughing, not just you."
"I find him rather amusing," Noah says.
"Well, I don't," Tessa says, her teeth gritted.
Evi bustles over, carrying the tray of teenie weenies. "Now boys, that's enough of teasing your sister. She's clearly not in the mood for it."
"Thank you, Mum, but I don't mean just while I'm pregnant. I mean I’ve had enough of their bullshit, full stop. I’m done with the demeaning comments."
"Tessa, watch your language in front of the children.”
