TWENTY-FOUR
Emasculating Novelty Wear, and Secret Fish Funerals
Arthur - 24 Weeks
"Hi, honey, I'm ho—"
I stop when I see Tessa and Xavier standing in the living room in matching white T-shirts. Xavier is crouched down, talking to Tessa's stomach, which I have to say makes my blood simmer a little bit. He stands as soon as he sees me, looking a little awkward. Tessa rushes over to greet me with the big ‘we’ve been apart for three days’ kiss.
"You're back! I've missed you."
"I missed you, too." I glance from her to Xavier, wondering what the hell is going on.
“You're probably wondering what's going on," Tessa says, taking my hand and pulling me toward the couch. "Watch this! It's the greatest thing ever."
She places my hand on her belly, then looks at Xavier and says, "Okay. Do it."
Xavier crouches down again and says, “Hello in there,” in his deep vibrato.
Suddenly, I feel some sharp movement in her belly. It surprises me, and I move my hand back for a second, then laugh a little at myself for being taken off guard by the movements of my own unborn children. Tessa takes my hand and puts it back where it was, but now everything is perfectly still.
"You won't believe this. Theonlytime the babies move is when they hear Xavier's voice. It's the craziest thing ever. We've been doing this for almost twenty minutes now, and it literally works every time."
Xavier grins at me, clearly thinking I'll be as excited about this game as they are. “It's true, Your Highness. I've no idea why, but it really works every time."
As soon as he starts to talk, I feel the rippling again against my palm. It's thrilling, and at the same time I'm not exactly sure how to feel about it, given the fact that it's the bodyguard who’s managing to get this response from our babies.
Tessa grins up at me. "You try it!"
Feeling a little silly, I crouch down and say, "Hello, babies, Daddy’s home!"
Tessa stands perfectly still, holding her breath while we wait. Nothing happens.
"Try again, sir. Maybe lean a little closer this time." Xavier nods confidently at me.
Determined to get a reaction, I lean so my mouth is about an inch away from the fabric of her shirt, then use a very loud tone to say, "Hello, are you awake in there?"
Still nothing. Well, this is a humiliating way to be welcomed home from a trip. I straighten up, and when I look at Tessa, I can tell she knows how awkward this must be for me. Xavier crosses the room in two steps and picks up what I assume is another T-shirt off the coffee table, then presents it to me.
Tessa grins and says, "Look, Xavier had these made for us. Isn’t it fun?"
I stare at her chest for a moment and see that in bold purple letters, the words “EATING FOR THREE" are splashed across the front of her shirt. When I glance at Xavier, I see his shirt bears the words, “GUARDING FOR THREE.”
He holds up my shirt, also purple font, but mine says, “WAITING FOR TWO."
"Isn't it clever?" Tessa asks excitedly.
"Very clever...and thoughtful, too. Thank you, Xavier.”
"There’s a reason behind the shirts, Your Highness. I recently read an article about a ‘team concept’ pregnancy, the idea being to help the woman feel more at ease and optimistic about her upcoming labour. Several studies have shown a positive outlook and loads of support can make birth feel less painful and have fewer complications. I thought that since you and I are probably the ones who are around the princess the most, a fun uniform could make her feel like she’s not alone in this whole thing.”
"They moved again!" Tessa says, laughing. "Can you believe this, Arthur? It's uncanny."
"No. I really can't." I attempt a smile, but I'm sure it comes off as rather insincere because the last thing I want is for my kids to bond with my wife’s bodyguard instead of me. "Thank you for the T-shirts, Xavier. If you two don't mind, I think I'll go have a shower and get the airport smell off me." This is a lie, of course. I never step foot in an airport. My very clean jet (which has a shower) lands on a private runway, and I step off it and directly into the limo.
Tessa doesn’t seem to notice that, though. She grins at me and says, "Oh, yes. After your shower, put your T-shirt on so we can do a group photo.”
As I close the en suite door, I hear Tessa say, "Do it again, Xav!"
