EIGHTEEN
Sunday Morning’s All Right for Fighting, Too...
Tessa - 18 Weeks
Text from Mum:
Tessa, it's Mum. Isn't this fun? I'm texting you from the other side of the palace! Where I live! Just wanted to find out if you're coming over for Sunday dinner at our apartment. The commute will be an absolute nightmare for you I'm sure (wink, wink), but see if you and Arthur can make it anyway. We’re planning to have a meal to celebrate the news about the twins. The rest of the family is positively thrilled!
Text from Finn:
Twins? How the fuck are you going to manage twins? Whatever you do, please don't buckle on the whole nanny thing. I have a bet going with the boys that I'm going to lose a hundred dollars if you fold and hire a nanny before the babies are a month old. So if you could just last that long I’ll split the winnings with you.
Text from Lars:
Nina said to give her a call if you're panicking. Are you panicking? I'm pretty sure you must be. Totally normal reaction. Are you going to be at the dinner on Sunday? We can chat then.
Text from Bram:
Bahahaha! You’re having twins. I love how you publicly swore off nannies before you found out how many babies you were having. Goofball. BTW, Irene says there's no reason to panic. The guy who did her boobs also does tummy tucks and trust me, he knows what he's doing.
Voicemail from Dad:
Tessa, love, it's your dad calling from all the way down in the east wing. Your mother's wondering if you would mind the family coming by early this Sunday to tour the palace with her. The ladies are dying to see the vault and try on some crowns and such.
Email from Dylan Sinclair
RE: Twins!
Dear Princess Tessa,
Disappointed to see you’ve canceled our Spin Session for Monday. We have SO much to discuss. A little bird told me you’re having twins! Is this true? If so, this is going to be even more epic than anything that’s ever been considered epic.
I’ve attached the latest results of your popularity following your declaration to go ‘nannyless.’ As I’m sure you’ve guessed, your popularity among those with incomes over $500,000 is at an all-time low, but the good news is they only make up 4% of the population and your popularity among those in ALL other income brackets has soared far beyond what we expected.
I’ll give you time to have a peek, then loop back around with my ideas to maximize the twin thing.
Congrats and Ciao,
Dylan
***
IT HAS BEEN A WEEKsince I found out I'm having twins. Notone baby, like Brooke or Kate or anyone else I know, for that matter. Two. Although I've done my best to appear to be a calm, collected, taking-it-all-in-stride-type woman, underneath it all I'm freaking out. I mean,two babies.
That is twice as many babies as I was expecting.
Double the feedings, double the diapers, double the poop in those diapers.
We have a family saying ever since Lars and Nina had Geoffrey and Josh—double the babies, triple the trouble. Now I'm not saying every set of twins is like that, but in all my years of babysitting them and seeing them at family functions, I can definitely say that what one doesn't think of, the other will. And quite frankly the thought of it is terrifying to me, because as far as ‘mumming’ goes, few people will be under the scrutiny that I will, and if I end up with a set of royal terrors, I’m going to be judged by everyone who’seven thoughtabout having a child of their own.
But judgments aside, how the hell am I supposed to manage taking care of two newborns and keep up with my charitable and royal duties without help? It was one thing for me to say ‘no nannies’ when I thought I was carrying just the one baby, but two? Even Nina and Lars got help when they had Josh and Geoffrey, and Nina didn’t have to chair board meetings or attend several formal and semi-formal events each week. She pretty much stayed home in her pajamas for the better part of a year,andthey had a woman come in at night for the first three months to help her out.
But I can hardly hire someone after making a public declaration that I’ll be the most hands-on royal mum of them all. Not without losing any ground I may have gained with the mommy crowd. I wonder if it would count if I hired someone to teach me how to look after babies? Nina mentioned something about some woman from New Zealand who travels around helping exhausted parents learn how to properly care for newborns—the Baby Tamer or some such? Maybe she could come in and show me all her secrets, and after a week with her, I’d be able to handle a dozen babies at once with no trouble at all, managing to feed, change, swaddle, and get them back to bed with the speed of a seasoned cowboy roping a calf. I should Google her and see if she’s available.
***
IAM CURRENTLY SITTINGin my office, waiting for Dylan to arrive. I could only put off the meeting about Twin PR so long. Arthur was supposed to be in attendance as well, but the Crown Prince of Monaco is here for a visit, so Arthur’s tied up with that (lucky bastard). He’s sending Vincent in his place, so at least I’ll have some back up.
