Three in. Six out.
And it helps. It slows my thoughts and has me finding some more reassuring explanations for why Marcello is being quiet with me. It’s like he said. He’s tired. He’s overwhelmed with all the new things he’s being introduced to for his triathlon training and I’ve been reading about how ADHD overwhelm can happen. Or maybe, he’s simply having a quiet day. We all have them.
I’m just about to tell Marcello all about the biryani I also like to order from this deli, hoping that a good meal and some homecooked food will help turn his day around when he finally chooses to speak to me. And when he does speak, it’s to say the last thing I expect to hear.
“So, Giles, I’ve been thinking,” he says and he has my full attention, my eyes pinned on his face which has now broken into an uncertain but still devastatingly adorable smile. “Me and you, we should fuck.”
Chapter Fifteen
Marcello
He’s glitching. His brain is glitching and I don't know how to reboot him. Any moment now he’s going to keel over and make me drop a bike I just spunked three hundred quid on so I can catch him.
“I’m sorry, what?” he splutters.
Okay, so I admit it wasn’t my finest delivery. But I’ve been trying to say those words for the best part of forty-eight hours. It had been my intention to proposition Giles yesterday after our run, but I’d chickened out and I’d had next to no sleep the night before as I’d tortured myself about it.
But now I’ve done it, I’m instantly regretting it. Because Giles doesn’t only look shocked. He looks downright appalled.
I sigh inwardly. At least I know now. He’s not attracted to me. Whatever we shared in the shower, or over a pub table the other evening, was all in my head. It was all in my overactive and wayward imagination.
“Forget it,” I say and then raise my hand at one of the shop fronts on the opposite side of the street. “Oh, is that the place you mean?”
Giles is quick to knock my hand right down and turn so he’s standing in front of me.
“I… I can’t just forget it,” he mumbles. “Why did you… Why did you just say that?”
“I shouldn’t have,” I say in a rush. Holding his intense eye contact feels impossible so I find a pebble on the ground to fixate on instead, kicking it with the toe of my trainer.
“But why did you?” he presses.
I tut as I look back up at him. His blue and green eyes are no less powerful. They feel like the sea on a choppy day, unrelenting and unstoppable. “It was this stupid idea I had.”
Giles crosses his arms, and it only emphasises the size of his biceps and the stretch of the shirt material over his chest. It had made my heart actually ache when I saw him approach me on Shoreditch High Street earlier today. I’ve never seen him in anything other than his suits or gym clothes so to see his casual wear had surprised me. Because it was anything but casual. His shirt is ironed to perfection and I’m pretty sure his jeans are dry cleaned.
“I’m listening,” he prompts.
My shoulders sink and I adjust the grip on my bike so it rests against the back of my legs. I don’t think I can get out of this. I have to explain myself, and it will be mortifying, but at least I know it’s not going to change anything between Giles and me. Now I know he’s not interested. Maybe we can even laugh about it over our chicken and rice at this place he recommends.
Yes, laughter will be good for me right now. That and a wank and a good night’s sleep, in hopefully that exact order.
“You know what we were talking about the other day, about how you knew you were pansexual?”
“Yeah,” he says slowly, a small frown knitting his brows.
“Well, my friend Kris said the same thing. That she finally knew she was gay when she finally did… stuff with a woman.”
“Okay,” Giles says and it sounds like a question.
“So I was thinking that was what I need to do.” I feel my leg start to shake.
Giles blinks at me and his head pulls back. “Because you think you’re gay?” The shock is loud in his tone.
“No, bisexual. I mean, I think. I don’t really know. Which is why I was thinking I needed to fuck a guy and you’re the only guy I know who likes to fuck guys so…”
“You figured I’d just step up and do it?”
My stomach flips. Foolish doesn’t come close to describing how I feel at hearing him say those words, in that incredulous way.
