We’ve joked about it before, several times. Me turning her gay is always one of our most shared jokes. But we’ve never actually sat down and discussed it. We didn’t evenbreak up because Kris said she was gay. We just realised we were better off as friends, and that much has stayed true.
I type as I walk down the street, enjoying how light and cool the early morning air is. Birds are singing in the trees above me and the light is both bright and pale, like a bulb warming up. Kris’ three dots appear for a long time.
I read her message twice, three times and find my eyes warming with tears. I blink them away as I type my response.
We both text each other several rows of laughing emojis.
Kris' next message says.
My stomach does that flipping and sinking thing again.
Kris adds several heart eyes emojis.
My stomach finally settles.
Bisexual.
I could be bisexual.
For some reason this possibility doesn’t alarm me the same way I felt in the middle of the night. I do still find women attractive. I’ve even shared some messages with a few on the dating app Giles forced me to download in front of him. I found their photos interesting, enticing even, and one of the women has suggested we meet up. I’m still keen to do so. So yeah, there is comfort in knowing I don’t have to swap one for the other. It feels like such an obvious observation and yet, I hadn’t even considered it. The panic of having that kind of dream about Giles, and the reaction I had, made me automatically think I was gay. But bisexual, rightly or wrongly, doesn’t feel as dramatic, or as peculiar. I can’t say it feels like me, but it does ease a little of the confusion I woke up with.
As does Kris’ next message.
Don’t be scared.Okay, yes, I can be brave. I can face this fear.Explore your sexuality.Why didn’t I think of this? Why was my first reaction to shut it all down? To make it go away? Why not exploreit… I mean, I don’t know exactly how to do so yet, but at least I can be open to it.
Once you’re kissing a man… you’ll know...
